How to be Frumpy: The Footware Addition

My dearest students from this day forward I will refer to you all simply as, Frumpsters. One day I hope you are all able to attain a masterful Frumpy look and these lessons are here to help.  Today at Frumpy University we will focus on footware.  In order to fully achieve a Frumpy look one must be Frumpy from head to toe.  This portion of your Frumpy look is best achieved by utlizing one for the following looks.

The Slippers: one of the best tools for the Frumpster. It is especially effective if your slippers are as filthly as a homeless man's ass. 

The Man's Sandel: Keeping with our theme of raiding your man's closet we have men's sandels.  For this look the Frumpster can chose the sandels which would be most likely to be found in 1975.

The F-UGG(aka Fake Uggs): This look can take the Frumpster through a long winter in comfortable non-style.  Please note that the look is finished with only tucking in pant leg.

The Sock & Sandel Combo:  For this look one must double raid their man's closet.  The socks used for this look must be either grey toed or striped tube socks. 

Remember the Frumpy is a state of mind and a fashion choice.  You too can be Frumpy with little to no effort. Just remember the basic tenets of the Bring Back Frumpy Movement: Comfort, Convenience, and Ignore all good taste. 

Lost and Found

Recently there was a story on Yahoo.com and Time.com about a man who found a roll of film in Prospect Park in Brooklyn.  He was cross country skying through the park because it was had snowed and he apparently wanted to be really cold.  Instead of leaving the film on the ground he takes it with him, develops it and finds some picture which he likes.   No, they were not pictures of naked people, they were pictures of a snowy NYC and some people he believes to the European.  By posting a video on YouTube this guys hopes to meet the photographers and become friends.  He hopes he can visit them in Holland or France or Russia or whatever kind of cool European country they might be from.

Dude, the same thing happened to me.  I was walking down in the park one day and the ground was covered in grass, you know because I live in California.  And I saw this film canister sitting there on the ground and my first through was, who still have a film camera?  Well, I decided to get the roll of film developed, just in case it contained something that I could use for blackmail purposes.  Only the people in my photo were not from some place cool like Holland.  I am not really sure where they were from, but it looks like the most God awful place ever.  They appear to not have heads or maybe they are just shy.

And I think that these people need a maid.  I hope they NEVER find me, because I like hiding in the bathroom while I blog.

This is why you proofread your resume

What is that noise?  Do you hear it?  It is kind of a weird vibrating, buzzing noise.  Seriously, what is that noise?  Shhh!  Quiet.  Listen.  Do you hear it? 

Crap, it is my iPhone.  Why is my game/music player making that noise?  Is it time to give the boys their vitamins or time to pick them up from school?  Is it time to make dinner?  No, clearly it is a phone all.  Crap, someone is calling me.  Who is calling me on my game/music player?  I don't recognise the number.  Should I answer it?  What if it is someone I know?  Nah, not likely.  They know me and therefore no longer like me.  What if is is someone I don't know, but really should want to talk to?  Also, I highly unlikely as a I have grown to love being anti-social and therefore rarely want to speak to humans.  Right about now, you are wondering how long my phone rings for before going to voicemail.  Honestly, not that long.  I just really think at a feverish pace.  Shit!  What should I do?  Answer it. 

'Hello'

vague noises, and then a voice or rather a voice in the distance: ' i don't know but there was a mistake and she has been paid ever since.....' more vague noises.  I don't say a word.  I just listen. 

'Angela?' says a man

'No, but close. Wrong number.'

'This is not Angela.  You did not send me a resume.'

'No, this is not Angela and I did not send you a resume.'

'Are you sure?'

'Reasonable.  I mean I think I would remember a name change and a resume mailing. But, I have been pretty drunk lately.  So maybe.'

'What you are kidding?' turns to maker(s) of vague noises and says, 'she says she is not Angela.'

And then they just hang up.  Before any real fun can begin.  I hardly got to pretend to not be Angela.  I hope they call back because I am totally going to be Angela the next time they call. 

If you wanted to

The K-Man: (looking at favorite book: Things That Go) Mommy, that should be your car.  You could drive that. 

Me: What?  The Porche, right?  Or the Mercedes.  Right? (yes I am insanely familiar with the cars in this book). 

The K-Man: (between fits of giggles) No, not those. 

Me: Okay, what then.  What should I be driving? 

The K-Man: A jeep.  You could drive a jeep, if you wanted to. 

Me: Sure I could drive a jeep.  If I wanted to. 

The K-Man: When?  When are we getting a jeep for you to drive, if you wanted to.

Me: Well, we are just pretending.  But maybe some day. 

The K-Man:  Could you haul chocolate milk in your jeep, if you wanted to? 

Me: Um, what?  Probably not?  What are looking at? 

The K-Man:  See (shows me picture of tanker truck)

Me:  Well that explains the milk hauling.  No I will not be hauling chocolate milk.  Sorry buddy, but mommy cannot drive a tanker truck.  I have the wrong kind of driver's license. 

The K-Man: I know.  That is why I called it a jeep.  You can drive a jeep, right?

Me:  Yes, I could drive a jeep, but I cannot drive a tanker truck.  And calling a tanker truck a jeep does not make it legal for me to drive it.

The K-Man:  Oh.  Well what if I bought you a tanker truck when I am older and then you can leave to drive it. 

Me:  Would I be hauling chocolate milk? 

The K-Man: Yes! 

Me: Alright, I am in

The K-Man: Yes!!!! (insert fist pumping and jumping for joy here)

Coming in 2021: K-Man's Chocolate Milk delivery

Wordless Wednesday

Running~ Gettting Started

Anyone who has known me for any length of time can tell you that I used to despise the very idea of running.  My old motto used to be, 'if you see me running, it is no doubt because my ass is no fire'.  I thank a life time to cranky gym teachers for this motto.  Really, did they need to wear those awful polyester track pants and be SOOOOO mean.  Really? 

It was not until 6 years ago that I even considered running and even then I refused to run outside or in front of anyone.  I was a 100% treadmill runner.  But then my kids were born and I got heavier and heavier.  I thought that I was simply too fat and too out of shape to run.  So, I started out walking and I would walk a little longer each day.  I did this off and on for months until I was easily able to walk the distance of a 5K (3.10 miles).  Then one day I just started off running and I decided I would run until the next intersection.  And that intersection I decided to run to the next intersection and on and on.  Before I knew it I had run 2 miles.  I could not believe it.  My feet believed it and that was when I discovered that socks for running should not be cotton!  Holy blisters, Batman! 

So, with my new sporty running socks on I set off on my twice weekly runs and I was loving it. I had high hopes of losing weight and maybe meeting some new friends in a running group.  I contacted one in my local area, only to be told that I was too slow and need not be bothered in joining.  I would be running alone, anyway, said the woman so why bother showing up to the groups runs at all.  It was so discouraging.  I really let it get me down and I went back to walking.  And eating.  A couple of weeks later my father in law came up for a visit and I asked him for his advice on improving my running time.  He has been running for years and at 60 years of age runs almost daily.  I told him what the woman from the local club had said and he laughed, 'she's and idiot!  Your goal should be how long you are going to be able to run, not how fast and by how long I mean how many years. All the guys I used to run with who gave me a hard time about being slow are now to broken down to run.'

With this renewed thought in mind I started again and this time I was determined to make a real change in my life.  This time I was determined to do it for myself and by myself. I started a mile at time and now my typical run is a 3.14 miles.  Don't get me wrong, I am slow.  Really, really slow.  Only now I really don't give a shit.

If you are interested in starting to run check out the following sites. 
The Courage to Start
Cool Running
Runners World

You don't need to join a gym, hire a trainer or go to a boot camp to get fit and lose weight.  You can do it yourself.  You can find the strength within.  I know, not because I done it but because I am doing it.  I might stumble and fall along the way, but I am going to get there.  And now my motto is, The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.(John 'The Penguin' Bingham)

I have no idea

Lately I have been having issues coming up with something to blog about. Aside from my noble efforts to bring Frumpy Back, I cannot think of what to write about. I think of great things to write. Witty conversations to amplify relate , exciting lists, timely observations about the world around me, you know, the usual. I think of these things at night while I am trying to fall asleep. Basically I am a freakin' genius from 11pm until 11:15pm when my desire for slumber takes me to the land of dreamy-dreamdome. But, once 7am rolls around, I am back to being my normal stupid uninspired self. I try to remember what I was thinking the night before. I even once kept a pad and pen by the bed, but the kids stole it or the cat ate it or I just forgot where I put it. Who freakin' knows, regardless, the ideas are lost.  Lost in the abyss that is my child muddled brain. 

Until I figure out how to capture my post-slumber genius, I need to figure out a why to get some stuff up on this bad boy.  Cuz, I am letting down all 8 of my fans and y'all are the best 8 people in the whole wide world.  Never fear, my effort to bring Frumpy back has not ended and I will be adding more Frumpy tips soon.  But one cannot live on Frump alone, not even when the Annie Hall look was all the rage.  I could do some more memes.  When I first heard of memes, I was revolted that they had a cute name and I was doing one of them: Wordless Wednesday.  So, I stopped for a while.  But like Michael Corleone, they just keep pulling me back in.  So, I could do more memes.  I could even bring back Haiku Thursday.  I mean that was an amazing success.  Right?  Shut up.  It was, too.  It was amazing, it was just that people are not ready for Haikus. On. Thursday.  Alright, maybe I am not a meme person. 

What about prompts?  I could do a writing prompt.  I met this gal, The Mad Mom at Bloggy Bootcamp who does them with great success on her blog all the time.  So I checked out one that she does all the time.  It is called, The Red Writing Hood and it is explained here on The Red Dress Club.  It too is a meme of sorts,in the form of a writing prompt for the week.  I could do that, right?  Last weeks prompt was Pantry. Anyway, here is what I came up with:  I got some coffee from the pantry and then I drank it.  Somehow I don't think that works.  I am sure that in some circles, like those were they create stereo instruction manuals, boiling down something into one sentence might be met with great excitement, but I thinking I would just look the fool amongst real literary types.  Not really gonna work for me. 

Since the end of August I have spent much of free time exercising.  Time which I previously spent on blogging.  So, I could devote a blog post now and then on that topic.  Tips or running tales.  Sure, running tales.  I could tell you about all the cool stuff I see when I run, um, sure.  Like the time I saw a lady walking here dog or the time I saw that man walking his dog or the time I saw that guy run up a hill carrying a chainsaw (okay that was exciting and more than a little terrifying).  Maybe running tales would be pretty boring, but weight loss tips might work. 

Okay, so that is settled.  I have a future in Stereo instruction manual writing and I might share some weight loss tips.  Or I'll take the cat to the vet and get that damn notepad back and share my true genius (insert triumphant choir of angels here)

How to be Frumpy: The Clothing Edition

Yes, that is Frumpy with a capitol F, bitches and I am bringing it BACK!!

I realise that some of you may not know how to be Frumpy and if I am going to bring Frumpy back I need to teach the masses how to be Frumpy. First things first, clothing that actually fits has to go. If you want to be Frumpy you need to look like a grunge rocker who has lost 20lbs. I achieved this part of the Frumpy look by losing 26 lbs and being too broke to buy a whole new wardrobe. You can do it this way or you can just go buy bigger clothing. Either way, in order to be a Frumpy one must never look polished and put together.

In addition to the overall size of ones clothing, in order to be Frumpy it helps to wear clothing that is not best suited for your sex. This is to say, raid your husbands closet to get that great Frumpy look. For the dads/men out there I am not sure that raiding your wife's closet will meet the Frumpy criteria, a man in large woman's clothing is another look all together and while I have no issue with that per say, I just do not feel qualified to offer advice on the topic. In addition to the fine array to over sized clothing one can find in your Hubbers closet you might also be able to find an assortment of mismatched tube socks. This will help to finish off your best Frumpy looks. More on this in the accessory addition to come later.

While on the topic of mismatching, in order to really get that great Frumpy look one must try and mismatch whenever possible. Different shades of the same color is always a way to achieve this look. Think this years black yoga pants with a 5 year old black t-shirt. There is no way in hell that those two are still the same shade of black, so voila mismatch made, outfit complete. In addition one may also match a set of shocking colors together. Think green and yellow! Not even the CEO of Nike can make that shit look good and neither can you. Green and yellow, orange and red, purple and hot pink.... the possibilities for Frumpiness are endless.

In summary, one can achieve the Frump look by simply ignoring all good taste and simply chosing what is most comfortable. I hope you enoyed this first lesson and that you are well on your way to comfort-land, population 1.

Wordless Wednesday

Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, putting pressure on the rest of us to be sexy all the time, but I realise that we cannot all live under that kind of strain. So, I am single-handedly bringing frumpy back. You can thank me later. Is it just me or is Justin Timberlake kind of an ass for putting us through all this?

New Years Resolution

Year after year this question inevitably arises: What is your New Year's Resolution? Year after year I am required to explain that I made a resolution in the 5th Grade never to make another New Year's Resolution. Genius really. It takes off all the pressure of making or keeping one. The less savvy among us are forced to come up with something each year, a something that they will usually not be able to live up to. So my savvy (possibly cheating self) is here to help you out. Here are some New Year's resolutions are your sure to keep.

• Be mediocre
• Practice some hardcore slothfulness
• Not to commit murder (if you are in fact a murderer, simply add the word, again to the end of the statement)
• Eat something
• Sleep at least one hour a night
• Avoid water fowl
• Run, to the bathroom daily (say that last part really quickly so no one notices)
• Eat, Prey, Shove

If these do not give you the much needed easy to achieve New Year's Resolution, might I suggest that Make No More Resolution Resolution thing.