Someone mentioned Shaun Cassidy on twitter today. I am not really exactly sure what they were referencing as I was too lazy to check, but I was not too lazy to remember the warm tingly feeling I used to get from Shaun Cassidy. I was just a wee girl of 6, but wow I knew what dreamy was and Shaun Cassidy was mega-dreamy. I even had a Shaun Cassidy t-shirt that I wore with distinction and honor. I was envy of almost every 6 yr old girl in Thomaston, GA.
Over the years my taste changed and as is often the case my crushes mirrored popular culture. Hot on the heels of Shaun Cassiday came Han Solo fresh from an outer galaxy known as Hollywood. Of course I was again just a wee girl, but even as wee girl I knew that Luke Skywalker was not for kissing. He was comfortably in the friend zone and the poor thing would stay there loveless and relatively unkissed for the next three movies. Han Solo on the other hand was just the right mixture of good looking and rugged rogue to get the heart pumping. As quickly has Han Solo had a place in my heart he was replaced by Gregory Harrison! OMG, he player Gonzo Gates on Trapper John MD. Now, I am not really sure what a 10 yr old girl was doing watching Trapper John MD to begin with, but nonetheless watch it I did. I have to admit that even after all these years, I still kinda find Gregory Harrison hot.
It was around the age of 11 that things got serious as far as crushes went, because this was when the celebrity crushes became intermingled with the real life crushes. I won't name any names regarding the real life crushes, but I can tell you one thing, they were all TALL. Life was a hard as a 5'5"tall and still growing 11 year old girl. Of course the celebrity crushes were also on men over the height of 5'10" (somethings transcend real life and fiction). By 11, I was firmly and unabashedly in love with Duran Duran front man, Simon LeBon. Really seriously firmly and unabashedly in love with Simon LeBon. Every inch of the walls in my bedroom were covered with Duran Duran posters. I was member of the Duran Duran fan club. Every cent from my allowance went into purchasing Duran Duran merchandise and records (yes actually round records). I even sent Simon a birthday card every year, on October 27 (fuck yes I still remember although I no longer send a card~sorry Simon). This crush lasted longer than all the others. At least straight threw to 9th or 10th grade.
By the time I got to high school crushes were replaced by actual live boys who actually asked me out and then tried to do anything to separate me from my panties. Looking back I probably should have stuck with Simon, it would have been far less tiring.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Commercials that Need to End
Usually I do not watch commercials because we have this amazing thing called a DVR. So I tape most the shows that I want to watch and then I watched them at my convenience all the while fast forwarding through the commercials. But from time to time I find myself having to watch a program LIVE. Usually the morning news (i.e. The Today Show with the occasional interruption from the local news) and of course my husband insists on watching sporting evens live (something about not wanting to know what happened or it being more exciting). Thus in these instances I find myself a typical consumer, having my life interrupted at the whim of advertising agencies and TV executives. Now more commercials I find boring and stupid and I totally tune them out. Occasionally there are funny ones, like the E-Trade commercials with the talking babies. Those crack me up every damn time. But time of year what I really do not look forward to are the horror film commercials which appear both during the Today Show and most sporting events. I mean really, the Today Show is not frightening enough, now you have to show commercials for devil movies, too. Is Ann Curry constantly saying thoughtless stupid things NOT horrifying enough?
These commercials are horrible for me. I hate horror movies, hate them. I was scared as a child by watching The Exorcist and there was no going back. I especially hate that all these movies now seem to have some sort of disjointed spooky creepy walking ghoul in them now. We can thank the Ring for that one. Really, was that necessary Hollywood. Was it? Wasn't a guy in hockey mask with a axe enough? And now they have to remake them, too. The old Halloween was not enough, it needs to be scarier. The old Freddy Krueger not scary enough, it needs to be scarier. Opps, Linda Blair hoovering over a bed and molesting crucifixes, not scary enough, we need new exorcism movies.
Still the commercials, they have to go. Really life if frightening enough without that shit being on before 8pm and please commercial makers and programmers keep in mind this little thing called a time difference. Sure it might be 8pm on the East Coast, but out here in little old California it is still only 5pm and really do not want to explain melting heads to my children.
These commercials are horrible for me. I hate horror movies, hate them. I was scared as a child by watching The Exorcist and there was no going back. I especially hate that all these movies now seem to have some sort of disjointed spooky creepy walking ghoul in them now. We can thank the Ring for that one. Really, was that necessary Hollywood. Was it? Wasn't a guy in hockey mask with a axe enough? And now they have to remake them, too. The old Halloween was not enough, it needs to be scarier. The old Freddy Krueger not scary enough, it needs to be scarier. Opps, Linda Blair hoovering over a bed and molesting crucifixes, not scary enough, we need new exorcism movies.
Still the commercials, they have to go. Really life if frightening enough without that shit being on before 8pm and please commercial makers and programmers keep in mind this little thing called a time difference. Sure it might be 8pm on the East Coast, but out here in little old California it is still only 5pm and really do not want to explain melting heads to my children.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
A Shear Drop
‘How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong?’ These lyrics run through my mind as I drive home. Moments earlier I had been actually enjoying myself by simply participating in an adult conversation with two other moms at the K-Man’s school. I felt comfortable. I laughed. I responded. I smiled. To anyone around me, I probably seemed ‘normal’ and for those few moments I felt ‘normal’. But back in the car, back with my memories, back with myself, the dread sets in and I wonder: Why am I doing this again? ‘How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong?’
In the space of about nine months I went from having what I thought was a close and loving group of friends to having no one who will return my e-mails, phone calls or texts. From Pal to Persona Non Grata in Nine Months could easily be the title of this chapter in my life. I am not sure how or why this happened. It could have been an, out of sight out of mind thing. It could have been a, damn you are annoying and we are done with you thing. It could have been a, that K-Man’s awesome behavior is just too bizarre for our kids kind of thing. I don’t know and most of me does not care, but what I do know is that it really hurt. It hurt a lot to suddenly just be forgotten by people I cared so much about. Frankly in the end I am better off for this loss. I am not depressed and feeling miserable about myself for the first time in almost 5 years and there is only one thing about my life which has changed.
So here I am again in a position to be friendly with another group of women and I just do not know if can, or want to do that again. I am left wondering: ‘How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong?’
A big thanks to Radiohead for yet again creating the soundtrack of my life.
In the space of about nine months I went from having what I thought was a close and loving group of friends to having no one who will return my e-mails, phone calls or texts. From Pal to Persona Non Grata in Nine Months could easily be the title of this chapter in my life. I am not sure how or why this happened. It could have been an, out of sight out of mind thing. It could have been a, damn you are annoying and we are done with you thing. It could have been a, that K-Man’s awesome behavior is just too bizarre for our kids kind of thing. I don’t know and most of me does not care, but what I do know is that it really hurt. It hurt a lot to suddenly just be forgotten by people I cared so much about. Frankly in the end I am better off for this loss. I am not depressed and feeling miserable about myself for the first time in almost 5 years and there is only one thing about my life which has changed.
So here I am again in a position to be friendly with another group of women and I just do not know if can, or want to do that again. I am left wondering: ‘How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong?’
A big thanks to Radiohead for yet again creating the soundtrack of my life.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I'll Pencil You In
I have gone from posting almost everyday to posing almost once a week, it that. There, there interweb, I have not forgotten you. You are still my bestest friend, you have gotten me through more than one scrape, like that time I got gum in my hair or the entire last fucking rotten year. It is you interweb, that I love the most. I have not forgotten you, but life is just getting in the way. Here is an example of my current schedule.
9am-drop kids at preschool
9am to 11:45am workout, clean house, run errand, take shower to prevent odor
12noon- pick up kids from preschool
12:05pm- drop off K-Man at at speech class, but first shove many high protein snakes in his mouth
12:08pm- return home to feed the Deedle only to spend the next two hours keeping him awake and occupied as this is his normal nap time.
2:15pm-pick up the K-Man from speech class
2:20pm- return home, feed K-Man, wrestle over tired Deedle into crib.
Spend rest of day playing with K-Man, making dinner, bathing children, and collapse.
There is little time of blogging, but I endeavour to keep it up. I was thinking this would be easier if Steve Jobs just gave me a lap top. Listen Steve, I promise no more mock turtle neck jokes and I will make you some really yummy vegan food. Do you like celery?
9am-drop kids at preschool
9am to 11:45am workout, clean house, run errand, take shower to prevent odor
12noon- pick up kids from preschool
12:05pm- drop off K-Man at at speech class, but first shove many high protein snakes in his mouth
12:08pm- return home to feed the Deedle only to spend the next two hours keeping him awake and occupied as this is his normal nap time.
2:15pm-pick up the K-Man from speech class
2:20pm- return home, feed K-Man, wrestle over tired Deedle into crib.
Spend rest of day playing with K-Man, making dinner, bathing children, and collapse.
There is little time of blogging, but I endeavour to keep it up. I was thinking this would be easier if Steve Jobs just gave me a lap top. Listen Steve, I promise no more mock turtle neck jokes and I will make you some really yummy vegan food. Do you like celery?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Oh Crackers
K-Man: What's the name of that song?
Me: Why Don't We Do it in the Road?
K-Man: Do what?
Me: Um (mild panic setting in~not ready for discussions involving sex in the road) eat crackers! (pats self on back for brilliant quick thinking)
K-Man: Crackers? That's crazy!!
Me: I know, right?
K-Man: Is it because they are beetles?
Me: I would expect that had something to do with it.
Me: Why Don't We Do it in the Road?
K-Man: Do what?
Me: Um (mild panic setting in~not ready for discussions involving sex in the road) eat crackers! (pats self on back for brilliant quick thinking)
K-Man: Crackers? That's crazy!!
Me: I know, right?
K-Man: Is it because they are beetles?
Me: I would expect that had something to do with it.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
The Mom's Top Ten Torture Tips
Like most of you I am tired of the US Government taking its torture tips from Jack Bauer. First of all, Uncle Sam, Jack Bauer is not a real person. Of course neither is Uncle Sam, so one can see were the lines between real and fake could easily become blurred. Regardless, I think that it is time for the Government to get some tips form people who really know about torture: MOMS. That is right. Your average mom is tortured day in and day out both by her spouse and by her children. Here are my top ten suggestions for how to effectively and almost humanly torture. They are sure to make the Spanish Inquisition cringe.
10. Repeat the same inane question over and over and over and over and over again to your captive until they crack or their ears bleed, whichever comes first. Might I suggest the classic, 'are we there yet?'
9. Force them to watch the same episode of Dora the Explorer, Wonder Pets or Telletubies on a continuous loop from 5am in the morning until 8pm at night. You may also substitute with Yo Gabba Gabba.
8. Have them mop an 10x10 foot room with real mop and a real bucket until it shines. Then drop a pound of sugar, a gallon of Kool-Aid and a dozen eggs in the middle of said floor and watch them fold like cheap suit.
7. Tell them they get to take their first solo shower in 8 months and then open to shower door every 10 seconds and ask, 'watcha doing?' over and over and over and over again.
6. Make them cook an elaborate meal, have them set the table just so, allow to sit down and as they start to eat, ask them to get up and get you something. Repeat until their meal is cold and then demand they start your bath.
5. Enlist them in a system of carpool drop-offs and pick-ups so complex that it would make Tom Clancy's brain bleed. Then make them do it in a station wagon with malfunctioning windows and no attenna.
4. Force them to sit through weeks of allergy testing under the guise of proper healthcare. They will be poked dozens on times with small razor blades containing itch inducing ingredients, forced to sit still for 30 minutes WITHOUT scraping and then told that the test was null and void because of their delicate terrorist skin.
3. Strap them into a car, drive them down a boring stretch of highway and force to listen to the Wiggles for 10 hours strait while someone kicks the back of their seat constantly.
2. Never let them poop alone, in fact stand directly to their right asking repeatedly if you can flush the toilet for them the entire they are trying to go.
1. Wake them up ever two hours demanding milk and a diaper change.
10. Repeat the same inane question over and over and over and over and over again to your captive until they crack or their ears bleed, whichever comes first. Might I suggest the classic, 'are we there yet?'
9. Force them to watch the same episode of Dora the Explorer, Wonder Pets or Telletubies on a continuous loop from 5am in the morning until 8pm at night. You may also substitute with Yo Gabba Gabba.
8. Have them mop an 10x10 foot room with real mop and a real bucket until it shines. Then drop a pound of sugar, a gallon of Kool-Aid and a dozen eggs in the middle of said floor and watch them fold like cheap suit.
7. Tell them they get to take their first solo shower in 8 months and then open to shower door every 10 seconds and ask, 'watcha doing?' over and over and over and over again.
6. Make them cook an elaborate meal, have them set the table just so, allow to sit down and as they start to eat, ask them to get up and get you something. Repeat until their meal is cold and then demand they start your bath.
5. Enlist them in a system of carpool drop-offs and pick-ups so complex that it would make Tom Clancy's brain bleed. Then make them do it in a station wagon with malfunctioning windows and no attenna.
4. Force them to sit through weeks of allergy testing under the guise of proper healthcare. They will be poked dozens on times with small razor blades containing itch inducing ingredients, forced to sit still for 30 minutes WITHOUT scraping and then told that the test was null and void because of their delicate terrorist skin.
3. Strap them into a car, drive them down a boring stretch of highway and force to listen to the Wiggles for 10 hours strait while someone kicks the back of their seat constantly.
2. Never let them poop alone, in fact stand directly to their right asking repeatedly if you can flush the toilet for them the entire they are trying to go.
1. Wake them up ever two hours demanding milk and a diaper change.
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