Just When You're Thinkin' Things Over

As you have no doubt noticed, I have a rather vivid imagination. An imagination which is prone to running away with me. Almost literally, galloping the country side in search of things more interesting then the TV, the Radio, or whatever boring conversation I am doomed to participate in. Think thought bubble containing clips from Steam Willy and you will see how I make it through the most mundane of situations.

Earlier this week I had the misfortune of having to go to the dentist. I don't find the dentist to be particularly painful and as I grew up in an area with water that heavily fluoridated I hardly ever have any cavities. What I hate about the dentist is the fact that I have to sit there for an hour with nothing to do. Nothing to read, no iPhone, no Internet, no conversations. Nothing. It is one hour of mind numbing boredom. That is why I loved my dentist in Atlanta. He had TVs in the ceiling. He was my fucking hero. For real Dr. Roger Abbot, you live in Atlanta, go to him. He has TVs in the ceiling and he his ridiculous with the nitrous oxide.

So that I sit for an hour with nothing to do. I suppose if I was smart I could load a podcast or a book in tape on the iPhone and just listen to it. But I am not smart. I am just a smart ass. There is a difference. So there I am, just thinking. Thinking about stuff like, how many words I can make from the word BELMONT. Thinking about stuff like, how I was right about Lindsey Lohan being in prison and now apparently even she wants to go back. Thinking about stuff like, why did I not floss more. Thinking about stuff like, why do my neighbors have people living in the RV they have parked in their drive way. Thinking about stuff like, how when I was a kid I used to go feed catfish at a catfish farm and then I went inside the cat fish farm restaurant and ate catfish. Thinking about stuff like, what? What was I thinking? Oh yeah, how many words can I make from BELMONT. MELT. BELT. LEMON. TON. TEN. BET. NET. MET.

Screw Hiring a Nanny. I need a wife!

Today as I ran errands with two kids in tow, took one kids to swim class with second kid in tow, took two kids to post swim class celebratory cookie, ran back home to drop off kids with husband so that I could go to a dentist appointment, came home to set up dinner in the crock-pot, worked out with the "help" of a five year old, showered with the "help" of a five year old, spoke on phone with several old people with two children chiming in at regular intervals (insert huge inhale here) it dawned on me that I do not need a nanny; I need a fucking wife.

Now, now. Calm down. The Mom has not changed teams. Not that there is anything wrong with the other team. It is a great team and I love it. I firmly believe that more televised hot girl-on-girl action will cause everyone to vote YES on gay marriage. I have nothing against lesbians; I am just too fucking lazy for that shit. Women are complicated. Men are easy. I don't need a wife for the lovin aspect of my life. I need someone who will care for my home and children for free so that I can do some other shit throughout the day. Like maybe go to work and interact with adults in exchange for a salary. Or maybe shower without the "help" of anyone.

Obviously my options in this matter are limited. I could try and get a mail order bride from maybe Russia or something, but eventually she might expect to get married to someone. I could join some kind of religious group/cult which allows plural marriage, but I would look really horrible in a prairie dress. I could attempt to clone myself. They have cloned a sheep, so I think they could clone me. I am pretty sheep like at times, only my hair is not curly. I am fairly certain that curly hair would not factor heavily into the cloning process. Considering that the first two choice might result in some sort of negative legal action, I am pretty sure that cloning is my best option.

Anyone know of a place where I can get myself cloned for cheap.

Go Fingle Yourself!

It has recently come to my attention that the corn growers association is seeking to rename High Fructose Corn Syrup. They want it known by the gentler more user friendly term: Corn Sugar. Now, doesn't that sound nice. What could be more pure than sugar? Actually sugar is not the pure considering it starts as either a piece of cane, which is then cut down and processed to hell and back until it a white grain. Basically if sugar is pure than Paris Hilton is a virgin who really thought that was some gum in her purse. The worst part is that they have the power and money to get it done. They will probably get a new name and we will go on eating that crap for years to come.

If you read my blog (thanks to the three of you----love you lots) you know that I have had some issues with the 'level of profanity' on my blog. You see I am too smutty for advertisers and apparently just smutty enough for PSA. Go figure, Celiac Disease has no issue with the F-word on my blog, but Nestles does. It would seem however the the opposite applies for F-bomb dropping bloggers who actually have traffic as their blogs seem to run lots of name brand ads and nary a PSA. Weird, right? I was still stewing over this information when I learned about the whole renaming for HFCS.

Then it hits me (insert chorus of angels singing). I should just rename the word FUCK. It will take a while before anyone realises that I am still saying FUCK and by that time they will still be eating it up. Seriously, I am a genius. An evil genius, but a genius nonetheless. Therefore effective immediately the word FUCK will now be called, Fingle. I am going to down to the motherfingling trademark office get this fingler registered. If you don't like it you can go fingle yourself.

Slow Running

I am yet again attempting to get proverbial house in order and by this I mean I ass in order. My house is slowly falling into ruin, but I hope to look better while watching it happen. I have been walking and running for exercise. As I have mentioned previously I am not a very fast runner and lately it has been worse because of some calf pain. Here is list of things that run faster then the Mom.

• A three legged dog
• A 87 year old man
• A crippled crow
• A tree
• Dragonflies
• A man in a wheel chair
• A man pushing a wheel chair
• A lone wheel chair
• A tree
• A really fat wiener dog
• A really thin chihuahua dog
• A runaway trashcan

For real, I am slow. I am trying to go faster, but I swear gravity is holding me back. No matter, I will keep at it. At least I faster than a tree. Oh wait. Never mind

United We Stand

It has recently come to my attention that pot sellers in the Bay Area are unionizing. Apparently they working conditions which involve the selling of pot to "patience" has become intolerable, what with all the Grateful Dead music and cheese ball stains on everything. As you are no doubt aware, when things get intolerable like this a union must come in and make it all better.

Therefore I propose the creation of Moms Local 1, because frankly our working and living conditions have become intolerable. We are on call 24/7. We get no breaks. We pee and shower in company of others, and sometimes those others are members of the opposite sex(clearly some form of sexual harassment). We do laundry for days at a time only to have to start again as soon as we finished. We drive hither and yon to fetch and deposit children. We are work like dogs on Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day to get those fabulous grill-tastic feasts off the ground. Do you even want to know what mom does for Thanksgiving and Christmas? Guess what, it does not involve watching football and keeping an eye on the kids (by keeping an eye on I mean only responding to blood curdling screams or actual blood). We ensure that everyone is fed, clothed and basically alive on an on going basis. Some of use it with little to no help and all we get is one day, Mother's Day. Yup, bad buffets and poorly cooked eggs, that is a mom's fate.

My fellow Moms, we must unionize. We need breaks. We need vacations. We need to poo alone! We need to fucking get paid! Join me. Rallies to be forming soon. Sometime between school drop off and the afternoon nap.

Me and Lenny Bruce

Oh man, oh man, oh man. I gotta tell y'all something. I am too profane for advertisers. That is right, the amount of profanity on my site is the reason why the ads you normally see to your left have been blank for the last couple weeks(please note they are now running, so I guess I am now just profane enough for the Friends of Maddie and Celiac Disease).

I do not deny that I occasionally curse like a drunken sailor. I make no bones about that fact and I knew that this might be an issue for some advertisers, but it has apparently over the last few weeks because any issue with ALL the advertisers. This does not seem fair because currently the f-word, the c-word or any other _-word do not appear on the main page of my blog. Now, I willing admit that the word penis appears twice, along with a picture of a penis flower. I do not consider these to be profane. For one, the word penis is a medical term(serving both a urinary function and a sexual function) and the penis flower just a flower that bares a striking resemblance to a penis.

What is even more curious is the fact that the Penis flower post ran after I had contacted my ad network about their 'dead air'. So it was not the penis flower and it was not my ode to the f-word which ran months ago. Curiouser and Curiouser. Now let me tell you why the normally abiding mom is kind of irked by all this. First of all, I hate to tell the good people at my ad network, but I only agreed to sigh up when they contacted me because I knew it would piss off my enemies and impress my friends(mostly just wanted to piss off the enemies). I never expected to make any money. I really don't have the traffic for it and as expected I have made very, very little money off these ads. I did not miss the money when they were down, I just did not want my blog to look unbalanced. And I just wanted an honest answer as to why the ads were not appearing. It took weeks to get that answer. This is what irks me. I asked a very easy question and the answer considering its simplicity took an especially long time to get back to me.

Now that I have that answer I think it is time to say good-bye to advertising. It was fun. We had a good run, but I really do not want to be censored, not for $2 a month. You can totally censor me for $500 a month, but not for $2. I fulfil my obligations, so until I receive word on how to end this arrangement I will leave the ads in place. I have sent an email asking just that question. Should be getting a response, any, day, now.

Russian Dressing

Top Ten Ways that Suburban Russian Spy Rings Are Spying on Us. Thereby making us all unhappy and spied upon.

Why are you laughing? You should beware, because loose lips sink sips. If we do not speak up and squash this while we have the chance things will get worse. Next we will have the Amish going undercover at the DMV!

10. They infiltration of the Montclair, New Jersey PTA. All bake sale not include Borscht flavored cookies.

9. They stole the secrets on how to grow perfect Hydrangeas from Edna Rodgerdale of Yonkers, NY.

8. They have discovered the secret of coupon clipping and are now able to purchase a month's worth of groceries for .10

7. In an effort to 'get us back' for creating a Russian Dressing they have stolen the secret formula for McDonald's special sauce and they are selling it across Europe as American Dressing. Our approval ratings in Europe plummet yet again.

6. They have infiltrated Twitter via the handle @BorisNNatasha. Their attempt to use social media to catapult Justin Beiber to stardom has been more than successful.

5. They have captured Yakov Smirnoff in order to extract all his: 'In Russian jokes'. Yakov is expected to be released some time in early 2021.

4. They have colluded with my WV Passat to ensure that the good people at Maserati never here about my total awesome blog and therefore are unable to give me a free car.

3. They backed not one, but two talking chipmunk movies, causing alcoholism to spread through America's suburbs like kudzu.

2. Hokey Smokes! They have captured Moose and Squirrel.

1. They are currently attempting to infiltrate the Olive Garden in Toms River, NJ so as to discover the secret of the never ending pasta bowl.

Hubris: You are One Evil Ass Bitch

Both my children go to school on Mondays and Wednesdays, so these are the weekdays that I am able to exercise without having to push around a double stroller. I usually try and go for a jog. Now I am still a good bit overweight and I have been a slow runner my entire life; so I don't want you to get the impression that I go on these amazing 8 mile runs. Nothing could be further from the truth as I usually run for 30 minutes. I do try and cover as must distance as possible in that 30 minutes. When I have more time I go longer, but as these are my two free weekday I have other stuff to do, so for now 30 minutes is it.


Wednesday, my to-do list consisted of tidying up the garage, going on a run, stopping by the library and picking up some stuff at the grocery store. Phase one of to-do list, garage tidying: while collapsing and storing the sad two dimensional swing that I literally cannot give away, I saw the knee cooling device that I used after my ACL reconstruction surgery back in 2007 (my new ACL and I celebrated our third anniversary this year by squatting pain free). That is when I did something really stupid. I said out loud, "Why am I keeping this thing? I am hardly going to use it any time soon." Note the foreshadowing. Shoving that damn two dimensional swing in a corner leaving it to rest against my husbands one tire bike (not a unicycle-just a bike missing a tire) and went inside to get ready for my run.

Phase two of my to-do list: go for a run. And what a run it is. As mentioned above I am slow, but today I was managing to keep a 14 minute pace going the entire run. This is really good for me and I was feeling good about it. I even altered my route a bit to get some more distance in and I good to go. My pace was not faltering. The next song on my mix was Obsession by the Animotion and I was stoked. Things were going along smoothly when all of a sudden I something grabbed my ankle (should read as: I tripped on a bit of sidewalk which had been pushed up by a tree root). I knew right away I was going down. I put out my hands and twisted in an attempt to fall against the sound wall that was to my right. This did not work and down I came, BLAM. Left elbow, hands and knees were all involved. I limped home, cursing Hubris, Animotion and trees everywhere all the way.

Phrase three and four of my to-do list involved some limping and cursing. Luckily most mornings the library and the grocery store in question are filled to the hilt with old people, so limping and cursing was par for the course.

Some "Sweet" Tea

Y'all know I am from the South and one of the things I miss most about home is the ability to get sweet tea just about anywhere. McDonald's does offer a really good sweet tea, but other then the tea McDonald's make me want to through up (you really do not want to know what lead up to this). Anyway, I am always on the look out for sweet tea. Mostly I end up making it myself.

Recently, however, I decided to try out that Lipton's Green Tea. It is not the usual tea, but I thought it looked refreshing and frankly I really liked the commercials. So I tried it. It tasted okay, but I feel like I was mislead. Because I tasted it and sure it tasted okay, but that was about it. Nothing else happened. I did not get high. I did not experience hallucinations of any kind! WTF! It was like drinking any none-psychotropic substance. Wow, I feel mislead. I feel lied too. The commercial made it very clear that I would be hallucinating after consuming this product. There is sat in my kitchen surrounded by various soft and soothing objects waiting for the cat to start to talking. But nothing.

I am so pissed. There should be some rule about lying to consumers about what your product can do. I mean Jillian Michaels seems to always be getting in trouble for selling those 'you will lose 20lbs just by taking this pill', pill. Then why is Lipton's not in trouble for promising vivid hallucinations, but delivering nothing. Why? I mean the humanity. The Humanity. See look. This is what I mean.






Do you see? Like, she takes a drink and second later, BAM hallucinations. I drink a whole damn bottle and all I had to do was pee, a lot. And fish don't have ears....double liars!