Porn-ish

When I started this blog I kind of promised myself that I would never edit my comments.  But I am getting tired of "comments" in foiegn languages which are obviously links to porn or porn-ish websites.  So starting today I will be moderating comments until they go away. 

Dear Concerned Citizen

I am sorry that I upset you so very much last Tuesday night in the community center parking lot. I was merely attempting to park while not hitting your pedestrian ass. However, I appreciate the time you took to give me some constructive feedback on my driving skills, or as you so eloquently put it: I "drive like my head is up my ass!”

Now, I was moving slowly and I tend to do that in parking lots. I have this fear of running into a person and killing them. Not sure that this fear would apply to you any more, but before you opened your big whore mouth, it did apply to you. That being said, I do not begrudge you your frustrations. Good driving is not my strong suit. But I do have to ask, how exactly would one drive with their head up their ass? They would not be able to see over the steering at all and they would be in a fair amount of pain. Really they would not be able to see at all......OH I get it. I see now where you were going. But I was only driving slow in order to be cautious which obviously implies that I could see and therefore DID NOT have my head up my ass. Not to be overly critical, but I think that you should have said: " You drive like an old woman!" That would have fit better given the circumstances.

Also, I think it is prudent to point out that after I told you to calm down because the stress and yelling was not good for your unborn baby you then got into your car and drove off like a bat out of hell or really like someone with their head up their ass. Now do you see the difference.

Thanks,
The Gal Who Drives Like an Old Lady

P.S. I am now beginning suspect that I was wrong and you were not pregnant at all, but just fat. My bad.

I am sure you meant to say mini-shirt

While we are not planning on expanding our family, we have decided that we might be ready for a new car. When the K Man was born I was very interested in owning an SUV. While not at all energy efficient they are back friendly, large and seemingly safe. I say seemingly because I tend to run into things with whatever car it is that I am driving and with an SUV I could potentially cause some real property damage.

Needless to say my SUV ownship dreams were not to be. While I wished for a non-back bending car/landmass my husband had other ideas. His ideas did not involve me having a decent back for the next five years. My husband has strong opinions and ideals about things like diamonds and SUVs. He is against both. So I live with a sapphires and station wagons. Really not bitter about the sapphires. They are pretty, but the aching back is a bone of contention. After my most recent back blow out we discussed a new car and proposed that I really need something that I did not need to bend over to get the kids into. You see in addition to being bad-back-mom I am also overly-cautious-mom, so my kids will be in a 5-point harness until their 30th birthdays. Meaning I bend a lot to get them into the station wagon.

It was during that discussion that my husband proposed the MINI VAN. Gulp, and gasp! What? Why not a SUV hybrid? I ask. He quickly reminds me of my little mishap from last fall, which involved, a shopping cart return, several bushes and the police. I stoped for a moment and imagine a large 4-wheel drive vehicle in a tree and concur that perhaps I should stay closer to the ground. I know that a minivan is a good choice for a family. It has seating for any visitors and us. It has the potential for cargo room. I would not have to bend over to get the kids in and out. But, it would be a mini van. Would I HAVE to start using a scrunchi in my hair and wearing ankle socks with tennis shoes while I sporting capri mom style  jeans? Would I HAVE to put a LYSL sticker of a soccer ball on gas cap?

It could be cool, right?  I could get a red mini van with a flame job.  Right?  That would be cool.  Right?

More Fun!

We went this past weekend to our local Six Flags Amusement Park or the Amusicment Park as my son's call it. It has been many years since I regularly went to my own children Six Flags over Georgia and I could not help but notice the differences between now and then.

Now

· The Six Flag iPhone app, which allows you to pinpoint were you are in the park. It also tells you the waiting times and level of "fun" offered by each ride. I have "fun" in quotation marks, as this is of course subjective.

· The damn place is actually clean. Now the park we went to, Six Flags Marine World (the one in Vallejo, CA) boasts that it is the cleanliest Six Flags and they are not kidding. Every bathroom that I went into was being cleaned and every corner was being swept.

· Flash passes: for an additional price you can flash to the front of some lines.

· Premium parking: for an additional $10 you can park closer.

· Lunch cost $23

· Admission is $44.99 for an adult (we had coupons for our visit)

· Junior Soprano is there spokesperson. I question this decision. I don't think that Junior is really family friendly. They totally should have gone with Janice.

Junior Soprano

Six Flags Spokesperson/Crime Boss

Then:

· A regular map. Okay they still have the maps, and they are still as useless. Serious who can decipher those little images.

· The damn place was a mess, but I never noticed because I was a child and I only wanted to have fun.

· To get to the front of the line, one had to wait. It was a nice way to meet new people and you always had the option of starting a gum tree. A gum tree is just a normal tree that is soon covered in brightly colored chewed gum.

· Parking was free

· Lunch cost $22. Some things don't change much.

· Admission was under $20 for an adult. It was cheaper if you brought a coke can.

· There was no apparent spokesperson, but if there was he was most assuredly not a member of crime family.

Some Intimate Photos: Maybe not SFW

It is time I open up a little.  I have long withheld photos of my children (at least their faces) and my husband (all photos of him are banded from the blog---I think he does not want to be found).  I hold back my name, my location, my shoe size.  Not any more.  I am ready to open up.  I am ready to bare all.  My innermost. 

That is my very troublesome esophagus. I have had trouble with this particular instrument for years and I mean years. I was originally told that I had a hiatal hernia when I was 15. There were no tests run; it was just a blind guess from a doc in a box. As the years went on I sought help for what was at times a very painful condition. There was the doctor who tested my blood and determined that if I took the supplements that only he sold I would be cured. There was the doctor who told me that hiatal hernia's and GERD did not exist, that it was all in my head. There was the doctor who said that said I was in pain because my breasts were too large, because I had breastfed my son for too long (I was 3 months post partum-BTW). After those great experiences I stopped trying to get to the bottom of this issue. I figured that it had not killed me yet, so how serious could it be. Until I started having trouble swallowing. Now it was not all the time. It was on and off. Then recently it got worse. Awhile back I tore my ACL and during that long drawn out process I somehow started seeing the primary care physician who shares an office with my ortho. Thankfully, this doctor listens. She does not blame anything on my large boobies. She acted quickly and got me in for some tests and off to see a specialist. Because you see difficulty swallowing is often the first sign of esophageal cancer. This was the news that I was so freaked out a couple of weeks ago.

I am not one to freak at the word cancer. I am a DES daughter. My very existence means I am at an elevated risk for clear cell adenocarcinoma(CCA). The threat of CCA never scared me. Never. I accepted that this was the way things are and I know that stand on the shoulders of those women who came and fought before me. That because of their pain and suffering and often untimely deaths; I had access to diagnostic tests that could save my life. And I was lucky enough to have a mother who would do anything to make sure that I got those tests. She made sure that I was not afraid for my VAGINA or of the gynecologist. Thank heavens, because I will have to deal with both my entire life. I don't know. Maybe the addition of children to my life was just enough to get me good and freaked out.

After a couple of visits to a gastroenterologist, who looks like a combo of Neil Patrick Harris and the guy who plays McGrubber, I am getting this problem under control. The photo above is from the upper endoscopy I had yesterday afternoon. Seriously, if you even need one of these or a colonoscopy ask personally for my new friends: Demerol and versed. Shit, those bitches are riding sidesaddle next time I go to the dentist, GYN or the bank. Seriously, you feel no pain and you remember NADA. It is the greatest! I just hope I did not mention that whole Doogie Howser/McGrubber thing. Or worse, I hope I did not sing the McGrubber theme song. Oh God. Wait; can you talk with a camera down your throat?

The biopsies won't be in for a few more days, but everything looked good. I do indeed have a hiatal hernia (yeah doctor who called that one way back when and in your face to the boob hater). Now we get to find a medication, which will: control the acid, be covered by my insurance, not cause horrible side effects and of course is not made by Lilly. Honestly it will probably be easier to find and swallow a tiny unicorn.

Wanted: One Car Nanny

Mother of two small boys needs a responsible breathing adult to sit in the car with one or both boys while said mom runs quick errands and makes deposits at bank, school, etc.  Must be willing to keep car and A/C or heater running.  Ability to read, count in excess of 100 and pour milk is a requirement.  Vacation, Sick and Hazard pay are NOT offered.  The applicant takes full responsiblity for whatever damage might be done to back to his or her head in the course of this job.  We recommend that you keep an open mind and please be aware that the child on the right hangs a wicked curve ball. We are not an equal opportunity employer and a clear preference will be given to anyone baring a resemblence to Ewan McGregor or Clive Owen.  English accent not necessary, but preferred.  Pay is non-exsistent negoiable. 

All interested applicants should appear Wednesday morning at the A Is For A Preschool on Main Street.  Follow the sound of screaming and the smell of brimstone. 

The Real Housewifes of (Insert Your Town Here)

Not being one to immediately jump on any bandwagon, I waited to get into the Real Housewives shows until the third installment, The Real Housewives of New York City.  The Real Housewives of Orange County and Atlanta did not appeal to me. Honestly, I don't really believe that Orange County could be that nice. It seems too hot and flat to be nice. And well, I am from the Atlanta Area and having dined more than once at the Carriage House I think I know enough about the REAL Housewives of Atlanta. In reality they all have blue hair and carry really old black handbags. But they are real money and would they never appear on a reality show, not in a million years. They would not drink pink lemonade either, because it has communist undertones, but that is another blog post all together.  However with the Real Housewives of NYC, I was intrigued. I have only been to NYC once and while I found that is smelled strongly of urine I did see that it held a certain appeal. There is just something about the city. It is compact, yet enormous. It is old and new all at the same time. And despite that smell it the most amazingly alive place I have ever been. Sure I can hold my own at the Carriage House over chicken salad sandwiches, but in NYC I can pass as nothing more than a tourist hayseed.

While I have not seen any of the other franchises, I can safely assume that the one common thread here is that these are the lives of slightly famous(or now infamous) and the (mostly) recently rich. Now, this makes for great TV. I love watching people spend more money on a pair of pants than I spent on my car, but it is hardly REAL. Hell on the Real Housewives of NYC, most the women is not even married. Which means they are not even wives, housed or otherwise. This is a life that most of us will never attain and should stop trying to attain(see my previous rants on people attempting to live outside their means via a maxed out credit card).  On these shows normal fights and problems are overshadowed by $60,000 handbags.  While I enjoy the show, in the end many of these woman just come accross as vapid and clueless. 

Which makes me wonder how would The Real Housewives of Regular-Ville pan out on TV? What would our struggles be like? Am I going to be stoned for calling myself a housewife? How would our town come across? Would anyone tune in to me see my book club meet at the Ale House as we discuss out latest read and which beer to order? Probably not. But if they ever did, I already have my intro tag line picked out: I can never find my fucking car keys. I think it sums up my life better than just about anything else.

Okay, so this is what happened...

I was on my way to blog like way back about last week when I got distracted. Thoughts and shiny things and small children and whatnot easily distract me. Nonetheless I did not forget you dear interweb. You are still number one to me. Well maybe a close number two after the Tudors. Okay, I admit it. I have been watching the Tudors in my spare time. But I did not lie to you; it is filled with thoughts, shiny things, small children, and whatnot (almost naked whatnots and boobies which are totally naked).


And in those hours I am not spending watching the Tudors I am either reading books or website about the Tudors. Yes! I am an anglophile and a nerd. I know all of Henry's wives and their issuance. I know who lost a head and who did not, but still I WATCH IT! And I am hoping that they will keep going with the reign of Mary I and Elizabeth I. I know there will be much less sex to zero sex with those too, but there will still plenty of interest and intrigue.

Yes, shiny headless things are fun and whatnot.  I suggest you check it out.  If you like shiny things, that is. 

The Hills?

Would someone explain the show The Hills to me? Please! Admittedly I have never seen the show and I am not even really sure what channel it is on. We are avid viewer of the Soup in our house. It is appointment viewing and it allows me to vaguely know what is going on in the world of reality TV without actually committing to watching reality TV. Really, what could be more perfect? CSPAN needs to come up with the same thing but for congress and people would be way more informed on how our government works.
So, based on the clips I have seen now and again I thought that the Hills was a scripted show. I mean it seems like everyone on the shoe is acting...poorly acting, but still nonetheless acting. Then someone informed me that it is real. Well, that is supposed to be real. So, is it real?

Seriously, I am confused and I don't understand. But I don't want to actually watch the show. It would interfere with my watching of Law & Orders and CSIs. So, please just explain it to me. And do it here so that we can all learn.