Big Hair, Bad Fashion and Some Questionable Music

So, my friend The Venti Vixen is having an 80's Party for her 29th Birthday.  Shocking how one so young can remember the 80's with such vivid detail.  As I am new closet door and youngest chidren NEEDS to start school in the Fall poor I chose to put together my costume from things I had on hand here at home.  I will be going as a Preppy, this may be more of a understated choice, but what would movies such as Pretty in Pink been with out the Preppy to weigh down our heros.   I will be harshing the buzz of all involved with my stuck-upedness on Saturday night.  While I do not have a photo of my costume just yet I thought I would instead share with you my Class of 1989 Class Photo.

A tip for those party goes wishing to achieve that hair look, you needed to have started last Wednesday on the proper hairspray build up.

What is in a name?

So I did a poll to get help determining what I should chose as my domain name...see it is over there to the right of the page.  Well, as you can plainly see there was a tie.  I do not know what this world has come to!  A TIE!  Really, people!  We don't do ties here in America.  We do overtime!  Anyway, now apparently I must either make a decision for myself or hold a run off.  A run off it more like overtime, which is most assuredly American in nature.  Making a decision for myself and facing the consequences of that choice is most assuredly NOT American. 

A run off it is!  Vote for one of the following:

http://www.themomconfessional.com/
http://www.theconfessionsofastayathomemom.com/

And there had better not be another TIE!! I mean it! What are you a bunch of commies? 

A Tasty Wordless Wednesday

Here are a couple of widget photos for  the recipes I have entered into the Foodista Recipe cookbook contest.  These and more great recipes can be found on my cooking blog, My Veggie Table.
Enchilada Suiza Casserole

Mexican Corn Bread

Ain't Too Proud To Beg

I have entered some of my recipes into a contest on Foodista.com.  If you go to my cooking blog you will see some widgets off to the left that will very quickly and efficiently take you to Foodista so that you can vote for me.  I will probably be adding more recipes because I a whore and I really want to be in this cookbook. 

Please vote for me and I will be your friend forever.  If you don't vote for me I hope you little toe falls off.

For Sale

One slightly used uterus for sale.  Don't be fooled by the word used, this bad boy has plenty of miles left on it.  It still sheds it lining every 29 days or so.  While presently only the size of a human fist, this uterus can expand to accomodate an almost 8 pound baby, plus placenta and fluids.  Please note this uterus can also expel a nearly 8 pound baby in under 4 hours.  You will need to plan your other organ purchases accordingly.  You will need a super fast cervix to go with this uterus. 

This sale does not include the ovaries, cervix or vagina.  Those are to be kept by the original owner.  However, I am ready to part with my uterus, as I not longer have a need for it.  It is currently just taking up room.  Contact me immediately if you are interested.  Serious buyers only.

Dr. Phill is not the boss of me!

So, yesterday one of my "friends" on Facebook commented on how she would not he playing any Facebook based games anymore, like Farmville, FarmTown, FarmMania, etc.  She made this decision based on an episode of Dr. Phil.  Harkening back to that woman who spent almost year doing what Oprah advised, I am left to wonder what has happened to people.  Are we not able to make our own decisions?  Why do we need to seek to the advice of TV talking head? 

Now, I play FarmTown, Farmville, Yoville, Petville and occasionally Sorority Life while on Facebook.  I do so while my children are sleeping or otherwise not in need of my attention.  I do so when I am not in the mood to read or knit or clean (HA). It is a hobby. Granted it is not one that nets much more than fun, but I like fun.  And fun does not clutter up my living room, like my snowglobe collection used to do. I assure you my children are well cared for, my home has yet to be declared a toxic waste dump and I cook many good meals all the while being able to play a game on the computer.  I know these are not for everyone so have my Facebook account set up so that I have to tell it notify you when I have done something amazing in Yoville.  See, I try to be nice.  I also try not to pass judgment on all the time wasters in which you might engage, like watching Dr. Phil.  To each his own, that is my motto.  If you have the time why worry about how you're spending it.  If no one else in your life is neglected then I say do it.  Just don't let a game or Dr. Phil tell you what to do.

Dear NBC

I cannot help but notice that you are desperately in need of some new leadership at your network.  As you may or may not have noticed your line-up is pretty screwed up and you are in last place in the ratings.  Therefore, I am offering you my services as a network executive.  Now, I am not really sure what that job involved, but it really cannot be that different from my current position as Housewifery Specialist/Certified Nose Wiper. No problem.  I can have Jay feed, burped and down to bed by 8pm if that is what you need.  If you want him up later the poor baby will need an extra long nap. Here are some additional ideas I have for making your network, work again:

• Drop Hoda and Kathy.  No one needs 5 hours of the Today show.  NO ONE! Okay, well maybe Saturday Night Live needs them, but the rest of the viewing public does not.  Replace them with a game show or better yet....People's Court.  People love conflict resolution. 
• Let me take a minute to second guess you because at this point I think you are wrong to let Conan go and bring Jay back.  Really I think they both should have told you to suck it, but as only one of them has any balls you lucked out.  But in lucking out you made a martyr of Conan and yourselves the butt of about 9 million jokes.  Seriously do you own TV sets.  You should have retired Jay and kept Conan.  But then again I prefer a man with balls. 
• Bring back the 10pm drama.  Law and Order has no business being on the air at 9pm.  Murder is some heavy shit, ya'll. 
• Bring back SouthLand.  Give it a chance, but reduce the number of characters.  Too many characters confused people. 
• Now if move your Law and Orders, have only one Dateline, and bring back SouthLand this gives you 4 nights filled at 10pm.  You only need to come up with two more nights.  Might I suggest that Dateline go on Friday because only loser watch network TV on Friday night and let's face if only loser watch Dateline. 
• For one of the two 10pm timeslots might I suggest begging David Simon (the creator of Homicide: Life on the Streets and The Wire) to come and work with you again?  Seriously beg.  If you hire me, I personally do the begging.  I would even be willing to pay him extra to bring Omar with him.  Not the actor, but the actor while playing Omar.  I want to hire him as my personal assistant.
• You can fill in the rest of your line up with comedies, which you seem to do pretty well with those and with those show about normal people developing super powers... you got that one going for you, too. 
• Drop the green stuff.  We know you are owned by GE and that you are only trying to sell lightbulds and appliance.  I am thinking that if you really cared about the environment you would give those energy efficient things away for free.  Might I suggest starting with me.  Email me for my addresse. 

So, in closing I feel I am uniquely qualified to help your network go from worst to at the very least mediocre and really what more can you ask for in todays world.

Sincerely yours,

The Mom

Wordless Wednesday

My Poll~Please vote!

I made a poll regarding my potential domain name.  My blog will still be titled The Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom, but I want to buy a domain name from blogger/google/some company that google works with.  I did it with my cooking blog and all went smoothly.  So, now I want to do it with my Amy is a smartass blog, too. 

I have expanded the choices to include, http://www.theconfessionsofastayathomemom.com/.  I know it is long, but it is me; and therefore long.

So you choices are

http://www.themomconfesses.com/
http://www.themomconfessional.com/
http://www.theconfessionsofastayathomemom.com/

Please vote.  It is just over there to the right.  Thanks!!

It will be like I went from this:

Regular Blog

Way more exciting blog, well not really, but hopefully.

Wordless Wednesday

Sorry, can't blog today...busy raising the perfect man...he loves to vacuum, too.

Tuesday Can Suck It

1: the number of children who snuck outside to play in the backyard while I was in the bathroom.
8: the number of times I ran through the house in an advanced state of panic looking for child
1:  the number of toddlers who laughed at me from his crib while I ran around the house.
1: the number of very relieved mommies at finding child playing in his play car outside
12: the number of years taken off my lifespan by said child
8,000,000: the number of times my son has whined about not being allowed back outside
1,000: the number of times I searched for a military school that takes 4 year olds
8: number of times I explained that it does not matter how much you whine you cannot go outside after sneaking out while I was in the bathroom.
200,000: the number of times that the Deedle has cried because of his big brother's whining. 
1: the number of headaches I have at the moment.

10 Signs You May Have a Child Infestation

1. You can no longer see the carpet or flooring in your house...only toys.
2. Your sex life has been interrupted roughly 12,000 times by little people needing to pee and or vomit. 
3. You naturally rock back and forth while standing still. 
4. You know all the words to one of the following: Dora the Explorer, Thomas, The Tank Engine, Yo Gaba Gaba and/or Sid, the Science Kid
5. You anxiously await the arrival of a babysitter with the same baited breath that you used to await a hot date.
6. Your "hot" water heater is permanent set to tepid.
7. You have several unidentified stains on your shirt and you don't care.
8. You know exactly what you can do one handed.
9. You automatically cut up your food into small bite sized pieces.
10. You have a series of made up words for the word FUCK.  These might included, but are not limited to the following: Fontneral, Fulmmery, Fudge and the most serious Fudge Muffins.

I need your help

I am thinking of buying a domain name through blogger.  This would allow me to ditch the whole .blogspot.com thing.  Which is more than just a little appealing. Allegedly everything will pretty much stay the same, at least I hope so.  I went ahead and did the domain purchse with my cooking blog, because it's name is shorter and more striaght, so I hope all goes well.  If anyone has any feedback that would be great.  Just email me. 

Now I could buy theconfessionsofastayathomemom.com as that is available, but lets face it.  That is one long fucking name.  So, I decided to go with something shorter because I can still keep the blog titled The Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom. 

Initially I wanted the domain name: themom.com, but some motherfucker already owns it.  I can buy it for $7500 but that somehow seems excessive.  Having to toss out my first choice I was forced to come up with soemthing else. After much thought and help from that guy who lives me and is my husband but does not really want to be mentioned on this blog, I have narrowed it down to the following:

themomconfessional.com

or

themomconfesses.com

I honestly like them both and cannot really decide.  I go back and worth..  I need to get something lined up before I start peeing no the neighbors front lawn.  But really since I pee almost all the time I have some wiggle room.  Anyway, which do you think you like better?

Wordless Wednesday

Things have gotten extreme around here.  We are thinking of putting the following above our front door:

You are now entering a Testosterone Zone.  Deal with it!

365

Yesterday I tuned in to the Today Show and caught a story about a Yoga instructor who did everything Oprah advised for an entire year. Of course she blogged about it and now she has written a book about the experience.  Then a couple of years ago there was the couple that had sex everyday for a year...no matter what.  Well, of course they wrote a book about it.  And of course there was Julie & Julia...and we all know how that worked out.  Yes, with Meryl Streep playing a woman my age in a movie....am I bitter about that. FUCK YES!  She is old enough to be my mother, dammit. 

Anyway, I was thinking what could I do for a year which would put me into a position to write a book and of course that would give me better blog fodder than my two very boring children and super shy husband.

Here are some options:

• Pee on my neighbors front lawn every day for a year...well it might not be book material, but it would definitely get me booked!
• A journal about how I lost the spellcheck function on new post screen and my attempts to find it because I cannot spell or type worth a crap.
• button collecting
• mock Yao Ming
• stalking and then pinching total strangers
• downloading useless apps onto my iPhone (I do that one already!)
• work for a year as the crotch checker at my local airport
• try to figure out what is making that weird nose only to discover it is the icemaker
• read the same book to my children every night (again i already do this one...curse you Polar Express)
• button collecting
• not shave my legs and take a picture of the results every day
• place a crank call every day to Nancy Pelosi's office claiming to be calling from the Botox Lobby...oh wait that will never work.  She would take the call EVERY time. 

The Thinker

Is it just me or does that ginger bread man on the right look like a Dr. Who villan?

While I was on "vacation" I did some thinking.  By vacation, I mean that my husband took two weeks off of work and my oldest son was off from school.  So, by vacation I mean everything was the same only I had two extra people here. 

Here is what I thought about:

• Isla Fisher and Amy Adams are the same person.  I mean have you ever seen them together.
• I should have just swapped out the name tags on all my children's gifts because they each only want what the other one has.  
• Four Year olds sure take up a lot of room in a bed. 
• Next year I am getting a frozen pizza for Christmas dinner so that I can actually participate in Christmas Eve and Christmas instead of participating in cooking for two days.  
• Working for two days on something that ends up being eaten is not as much fun as you might think.
• I discovered a new law of physics as it applies to toys.  Too many toys in one location will cause a catastrophic toy explosion.
• If you eat collard greens for three days you will not get money, you will just get gas.
• However, if you were to discover a way to capture that gas, bottle it and sell it to the military you will make money. 
• Flatulence collection is nearly impossible.