A Very Merry McDougal Christmas

Here is the annual McDougal Chrismas letter. The McDougal's are a fictional family of my own creation. We all get tons of Christmas letters each year and they only show the glossy side of life. My good, fake friend Mo, only tells the truth.

Hello Friends and Family,

Has it been a year since I sat down to right our annual Christmas missive? It hardly seems possible. Oh my word, the McDougal’s have had an exciting if not challenging year. Things seemed so hopeful last year what with Frank retiring, Justin moving back home, Emily getting her dream job in Claxton, and Little Max getting paroled. Well, it seems that things do not always go as smoothly as one might hope.

Frank continues to enjoy his retirement, having taken up newt watching and elf carving. One would not expect to find many newts, but it keeps Frank occupied for most of the day and sometimes late into the night. The elf carving is a new hobby indeed and Frank is considering traveling our proud nation to exhibit his crafts. He is blessed to have found a mentor in Edna Mellbottoms. You all surely remember Edna from her days as the head checker at Piggly Wiggly. In addition to being the best darn checker Piggly Wiggly ever employed, Edna is also a heck of an elf carver and has also shown some interested in newt watching. Edna has been a true blessing to Frank and me, especially given present unfortunate incarceration.

You might remember that last year our oldest ended his marriage to his high school sweetheart Samantha. Justin being all sweetness and no anger gave Samantha the house they once shared together and moved back in with us, at Crescent Way. While we enjoyed having him to home the constant crying proved to be too much for Frank’s nerves. His nerves being shot from his days at the extract factory. So, Justin had to move back in with Samantha and her new husband Gunter. Things seem to being going well. Samantha and Gunter have a full basement and Justin has been able to make himself at home down there with all the cats. Luckily the crying does not carry as badly in their cinder block home as it did in ours.

Emily was unable to maintain the needed level of excellence that the citizens of Claxton have come to expect from their Eye on Claxton news team. She too has returned to the roost. Luckily there is far less crying from Emily and she was recently taken on the challenge of the new frontier of Public Access TV. Emily has been able to create such shows as Cooking with Carl Marx and Fishing with Earl. Everyone is more than pleased with this new source of entertainment. I hear they even tune in down at the pool hall.

Luckily Max we able to obtain a parole! Sadly the rate of recidivisms is very high on fish kidnappers and Max found himself in trouble with the law all over again. Why they do not have better security at catfish farms is beyond me. If you ask me they are asking to have those darn fish stolen. Oh well, there is always next time.

As always, I save myself for last. Many of you may be aware that I have had some legal woes of my own this past year. What I thought was orchid feed was indeed marijuana and in large enough quantities to warrant my arrest and subsequent imprisonment. I now reside for the time being at the Marion Walters State Prison for Women. I have been here for almost 6 months and for the life of me I still cannot figure out who Marion Walter’s actually is, but she put together a pretty nice place. I have a nice room that I share with my roomie, Deborah (or Deb as she prefers to be called). Deborah is a rather large woman who may or may not have stabbed a series of bartenders in the foot. Deborah is adamant that she IS NOT the Tootsie Popper, but I fear that she just might be the notorious criminal. She was after all caught in the act and convicted. In addition to Deborah’s fine company I also get three meals a day that I do not have to prepare myself! Most of my days are spent in the prison laundry ironing the dishrags, but I hope to one day move up to a bleach handler. Frank, Justin and Emily get in to see me as often as they can and I get the occasional letter from Max via the inter-penitentiary mail.

My lawyer is hopeful that Interpol will find my gardening mentor, Jade and that Jade will be able to explain how this horrible mistake was made in the first place. Keep your fingers crossed! Well, it is almost time for lights outs and tomorrow we have the big Christmas parade.

Love and hugs,

Mo McDougal