‘How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong?’ These lyrics run through my mind as I drive home. Moments earlier I had been actually enjoying myself by simply participating in an adult conversation with two other moms at the K-Man’s school. I felt comfortable. I laughed. I responded. I smiled. To anyone around me, I probably seemed ‘normal’ and for those few moments I felt ‘normal’. But back in the car, back with my memories, back with myself, the dread sets in and I wonder: Why am I doing this again? ‘How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong?’
In the space of about nine months I went from having what I thought was a close and loving group of friends to having no one who will return my e-mails, phone calls or texts. From Pal to Persona Non Grata in Nine Months could easily be the title of this chapter in my life. I am not sure how or why this happened. It could have been an, out of sight out of mind thing. It could have been a, damn you are annoying and we are done with you thing. It could have been a, that K-Man’s awesome behavior is just too bizarre for our kids kind of thing. I don’t know and most of me does not care, but what I do know is that it really hurt. It hurt a lot to suddenly just be forgotten by people I cared so much about. Frankly in the end I am better off for this loss. I am not depressed and feeling miserable about myself for the first time in almost 5 years and there is only one thing about my life which has changed.
So here I am again in a position to be friendly with another group of women and I just do not know if can, or want to do that again. I am left wondering: ‘How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong?’
A big thanks to Radiohead for yet again creating the soundtrack of my life.
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4 comments:
Get out of my head!! I really resonate with this post! Thanks for sharing this...
This makes my heart break. I am a call or an e-mail away.
Oh Amy. I had so been there and sadly find that my bloggy friends are better friends to me than my IRL friends.
I haven't cultivated friends outside my front door or office door for the fear of loss, for the fear of putting myself out there and because it has somehow begun to feel unnatural. Its self preservation.
You're a brave woman for putting this out there. Kudos, Amy
I know exactly how you feel... wish I had the guts to put that out there.
I do think you should give the potentials a shot, you might be surprised. Just keep your guard up til you feel comfy.
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