The Mom's Top Ten Torture Tips

Like most of you I am tired of the US Government taking its torture tips from Jack Bauer. First of all, Uncle Sam, Jack Bauer is not a real person. Of course neither is Uncle Sam, so one can see were the lines between real and fake could easily become blurred. Regardless, I think that it is time for the Government to get some tips form people who really know about torture: MOMS. That is right. Your average mom is tortured day in and day out both by her spouse and by her children. Here are my top ten suggestions for how to effectively and almost humanly torture. They are sure to make the Spanish Inquisition cringe.

10. Repeat the same inane question over and over and over and over and over again to your captive until they crack or their ears bleed, whichever comes first. Might I suggest the classic, 'are we there yet?'

9. Force them to watch the same episode of Dora the Explorer, Wonder Pets or Telletubies on a continuous loop from 5am in the morning until 8pm at night. You may also substitute with Yo Gabba Gabba.

8. Have them mop an 10x10 foot room with real mop and a real bucket until it shines. Then drop a pound of sugar, a gallon of Kool-Aid and a dozen eggs in the middle of said floor and watch them fold like cheap suit.

7. Tell them they get to take their first solo shower in 8 months and then open to shower door every 10 seconds and ask, 'watcha doing?' over and over and over and over again.

6. Make them cook an elaborate meal, have them set the table just so, allow to sit down and as they start to eat, ask them to get up and get you something. Repeat until their meal is cold and then demand they start your bath.

5. Enlist them in a system of carpool drop-offs and pick-ups so complex that it would make Tom Clancy's brain bleed. Then make them do it in a station wagon with malfunctioning windows and no attenna.

4. Force them to sit through weeks of allergy testing under the guise of proper healthcare. They will be poked dozens on times with small razor blades containing itch inducing ingredients, forced to sit still for 30 minutes WITHOUT scraping and then told that the test was null and void because of their delicate terrorist skin.

3. Strap them into a car, drive them down a boring stretch of highway and force to listen to the Wiggles for 10 hours strait while someone kicks the back of their seat constantly.

2. Never let them poop alone, in fact stand directly to their right asking repeatedly if you can flush the toilet for them the entire they are trying to go.

1. Wake them up ever two hours demanding milk and a diaper change.