Wordless Wednesday

Swallowed alive by a Santa Hat.  It was bound to happen sooner or later. 

The Christmas Letter

I have always wanted to write a fakeChristmas letter. The plan was to write it and send it out to total strangers or to send it anonymously to strangers. In stead I give it to you, oh interweb.

Hello Friends and Neighbors,

Well, to say that this has been a challenging year for the McDougals is an understatement. We are still living here on Crescent Way and despite that rather large grease fire in the master bathroom last March, all is well with our beautiful home. The contractor promised to be done soon and our Parish Priest promised that the smell would eventually dissipate. Keep your fingers crossed! LOL
My dear Frank, the love of my life and my husband of almost 25 years has finally retired from his job at the Westmont English Muffin Factory. While Frank dearly loved his job as a cranny inspector, our family doctor strongly advised that due to Frank's overactive uvula he retire. With the family's support fully behind him, Frank thought is best of get out of Cranny Inspecting rat race and simply relax. So, for the first time in almost 35 years my dear Frank has become a man of leisure. He sits around all day pursuing his many new hobbies, including watching TV, playing computer solitaire and turning down the thermostat.

Our oldest Justin will be free and clear this spring! You heard that right ladies, he is back on the market...or will be soon. Justin and his wife Samantha has decided to call it quits. Samantha has moved on, my God keep her. She just did not have what it took to be a wife and a working woman. Her job at Hooters was simply too demanding. She was sadly unable to contribute to their home life as much as Justin would have liked. It seems as through her boss, Günter was just too demanding of her time and she was forced to work night and day. In my opinion this was well beyond what is normally expected of a waitress, but Samantha was always the upwardly mobile type. And Justin, well Justin is like his father...a man of simple needs. Justin will be moving back to the greater Westmont area soon and we are please to have him back into his old room, just until things with the divorce are all worked out.

You might remember that our daughter Emily graduated from State U a year ago this past Spring. Well, Halleluiah and Praise Be, but she has finally gotten a job! Emily had hoped to be able to slingshot her Communications major into an anchor position in one of the country's larger market areas. After searching in LA, New York and Chicago she finally landed a position in Claxton, GA and we could not be prouder! Starting January 1st she will be joining the Eye on Claxton New Team Channel 37. The Eye on Claxton News Team is world renowned for it's hard-hitting investigative reports. Those of you familiar with Claxton local events will remember channel 37's ground-breaking report on the state of the local fruitcake factories. Boy, things changed for fruitcake workers that year! No more would they have to fear the hazards of fruitcake tower collapses or worry that the whisky fumes in the liquoring room might overtake them. God Bless them all. So, Emily will soon be headed south. We will miss her terribly, but with Justin moving back home, we really need the room.

And of course there is our baby, our youngest, Max. I saved the best for last! Pending a meeting of the parole board, Max should soon be out! You read that right! Our little Maxy may soon be home. Well, as soon as he can leave the half way house. I will keep you posted. Thanks to all who have contributed to and may continue to contribute to his cigarette fund. He greatly appreciates every penny. You have no idea how valuable cigarettes are in lock up!


Last but not least, ME, your dearest Maureen (MO for short--LOL). Every year as I sit down to write this letter, I think to myself, Maureen you never mention much about yourself. And usually there is not much to say, but this year I have been blessed with a very busy schedule. Frank must be kept on a rigorous schedule, what with all his medications and his hobbies. This takes up most of my time. Combine that with Emily's constant travel and job interviewing and Justin's appearance on Cheaters, I have been busy, busy. However, I still found time to visit Max regularly and to take up a hobby of my own. As some of you already know I am now a proud member of the Westmont Gardening Club. I have met many new friends and I have even gone so far as to build a green house out in the back yard. My orchids will be prize winning in no time! At least that is what my grow partner, Jade tells me. I cannot wait until the Tri-County flower show next May! We shall see how well Jade and I have done!


Now, now, some of you may have heard a nasty rumor that I been arrested for selling marijuana. I can assure you that this is completely erroneous. Nothing could be further from the truth. Jade assures me that the police are merely mistaken. He and I had a long talk just before he left for his European Christmas holiday and he was very insistent that the substance removed from my new green house was not marijuana, but organic Orchid feed. It makes since, we have the best orchids around. Luckily for me Jade will be back just in time for my arraignment so that he can testify to this fact.


In closing, I would like to say, Merry Christmas and may you each have a blessed New Year!


Love,

Mo McDougal

The Mom is going Postal

After a couple of trips to the post office this fine holiday season, the mom has some suggestion for the US Postal service on how to make things run more smoothly during the holiday seasons.

• Staff your post office with more than two retail employees
• Keep Christmas stamps IN STOCK
• Offer a line for those of us who arrive prepared and another line for those who arrive unprepared, with NO BOX, NO TAPE and NO ADDRESS.  Might I suggest this line lead right out the back door? Seriously, NO ADDRESS.  WTF!
• Some entertainment would be nice.  Maybe some music or a TV.  Or maybe you could turn up the heat some more so that we could watch the old people pass out. 
• Turn down the heat. 
• Make the door form the post office box lobby into the actual retail place a wee bit bigger.  It is Christmas and we are all carrying packages.  Those lucky fuckers who have already been helped and are leaving do not have the space to get by. 
• Cookie...just take them from the old people who passed out from the heat.
• Frequent stamp buyer card? 
• Cocktails?

California Driving Tips for the Newcomer

The following are some tips that I as a transplant to California have put together to help newcomers to my new home state. Now, please understand that I am Georgia and I used to drive in Atlanta. That being said I wholeheartedly and proudly admit that Atlanta drivers are completely and totally fucking INSANE. Therefore some of these tips might not mean a thing to you unless you have driven in Atlanta or Beirut.

• Disable your turn signal. They do not use them here. Turn signals cause nothing but confusion, especially when attempting to parallel park. The drivers behind you will not leave room for you to back up, because they have assumed that want to turn right directly into Uncle Yu's. I mean, who wouldn't. Uncle Yu's rock the Kasbah.
• They have them things called metering lights at the end of the freeway entrance ramps. They are "supposed" to help the flow of traffic on the actual highway. While that might be case, they also royally fuck up the traffic on the surface streets. I must admit that I did not get this concept AT ALL when I first moved here. I used to routinely blow threw the metering lights whenever possible. Until some smartass told me that they put cameras on them and that I could get a ticket. I suspect that this is total bullshit, but I am not taking any chances.
• You must drive 45 mph in the far left hand lane on the highway thereby forcing all those going 70mph to use the middle lanes. You must especially do this is you drive a Prius with a Obama/Biden sticker on the bumper. That way everyone can see how cool you are.
• You must also drive 45 mph in the far right hand land and totally ignore those who are trying to get on highway from the entrance ramp. Fuck them it is not your responsibility to merge with on coming traffic.
• As you enter the highway you must totally ignore those in the right hand land who are cruising along at a comfortable 45mph. Fuck them, it is not your responsibility to merge into traffic.
• On many roads you will see signs stating that your speed is being monitored via the air. The best I can tell is that this how the California condor makes its living because I never seen a plane or helicopter hovering anywhere near one of these roads.
• In San Francisco buses do not stop for ANYONE. So get the fuck of the bus driver's way. I mean it, they will kill you.
• They really frown on you using the emergency lane to just drive in, regardless of how late you are for an appointment.  In fact, they don't call it an emergency lane, they call it the shoulder.  Come on, the shoulder of a road is  like totally made of dirt or gravel.  Not nice smooth pavement. 

No Really, I am not Making this Shit Up.

The following is a recent conversation with my mother.

Momma: Did you hear about Tiger Woods?

Me: Yes

Momma: Well, what do you think about it?

Me: (Thinks to self that like everyone else on God's Green Earth my mother does not read my blog and therefore does not know about my recent Tiger post) I am not sure what I think about it. Sounds like he was a pretty big sleaze.

Momma: Well, they say he will recover because he is such a good athlete, but I think he is ruined.

Me: Golf is sport?

Momma: I think that women are not going to buy his products. You know Glen my hairdresser, right?

Me: Mmm sure, I remember Glen (I totally don't, but I lie. You for the good of the children)

Momma: Well, he and his wife went to buy some shoes for their son and his wife refused to buy the Nikes. She said it was because of Tiger Woods. Glen told me all about it.

Me: Glen is married?

Momma: Did you hear me? His wife would not buy the Nikes and I won't either.

Me: Have you ever bought a pair for Nike? Seriously, Glen is married?

Momma: Yes! And did you hear me, I will never purchase a Nike product. Would you?

Me: Oh absolutely. I love Nike. They are the only running shoes that fit me properly.

Momma: (SILENCE)

Me: Are you still there?

Momma: I cannot believe you would do such a thing.

Me: What? Buy Nike?

Momma: Yes (seriously her tone could have re-frozen all those polar ice caps)

Me: Well, I think he is a sleaze, but you know I have bad feet, so I have to get what works. Besides, I don't really associate Nike with Tiger Woods. Now, I would never buy a Buick.

Momma: Well, that is not my fault. You cant blame me for your feet. You have your fathers feet. Blame him. It is about time someone blames him for something.

Me: What? I don't blame anyone for anything.

Momma: If you are going to be like that, I am going to have to go. Your father is not a saint, you know.

Me: I know. Talk to you next week.

I never did get to the bottom of that whole Glen thing.

Wordless Wednesday

nothing says christmas like a basket filled with fake flowers. ho ho ho

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I don't normally ask for much. Just the occasional iTem. But this year, I want it all and like the rest of America. I think I totally deserve it. I would like a new car, a new house with a pool, a maid and a gardener(one that is good looking, please). One might think that would be enough, but no Santa, I would also like you to fully decorate my new house. Think: Crate & Barrel meets Pottery Barn and redoes the place with some Restoration Hardware.

I have been a very good girl this year and I think I deserve some good stuff. I only wrecked the car once and honestly i don't think that was totally my fault. Seriously Santa why would someone insist on parking out in the open like that. They were asking for it, if you ask me. Besides they probably got an new car out of it and all I got was a new fender. I am going to assume that right now you are saying thank you to me for taking care of that person's gift for you. So, your welcome.

I am nice to animals. In fact just the other nice I wished that the neighborhood raccoon would eat that frog that was out croaking loudly in the cold. For you see I understood that it was far to cold for a frog to be out croaking at midnight and this time of year there is not much around for raccoons to munch upon. Like St. Francis, I hoped to bring the two together in a relationship that would ultimately help my sleep patterns.

I am good to humans, too. I generously give can after can of creamed corn to the needy. I never ever smack my husband for accidentally purchasing creamed corn when I clearly asked for the regular kind. I always stop my car when that drunk altered homeless guy darts out into traffic on Railroad Ave. I have even been known to give him a quick finger salute and the honk of a horn to help on his way as he continues across the street. I always clean up after myself when I grind coffee at Costco, unlike those awful British people who were there last week. Honestly, Santa, they do not deserve any presents. First they left a mess for the next person and really aren't they supposed to be drinking tea anyway.

I am good to the Earth, too. We are two for two on human creation having only created just enough humans to replace me and my husband. I almost always throw my beer cans in the recycle bins with the Styrofoam and plastic grocery bags. And just this morning I was reminded by that hot barista who looks like Clark Kent that all the coffee at Starbucks was free range coffee. And it is always better to let coffee beans be free. Isn't it. Isn't it, really.

In closing I have been a very good girl and I think that you should be able to see you way clear to fulfilling all my wishes.

XOXO,

TheMom

P.S. Please add world peace and all that jazz to my list, too. Cuz I am a humintarian like that.

Things that are pissing me off today!

First: I apologise for using you as my dumping ground, my fair interweb. You know I love you and therefore you know I am not mad at you.

Second: FRICK I am frustrated with all kinds of shit lately!

Third: Here is the list

• The water pouring out of my water meter. Just pouring down the street like water grows on trees or falls from the sky (oh wait, never mind that last one and go with the tree analogy). The leak is the responsibility of the city water department, so today I wait and wonder why my tax rate has gone up but we are all getting less for that increase. I guess the moto of government is now LESS WITH MORE.
• The fact that the pantry cabinet that my husband and I FINALLY got for our kitchen is almost put together. Okay, it is put together but we cannot get the effing doors on right. Do you like the Gap, cuz we got a Gap going on with this thing!
• The fact that my kids HATE both Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Seriously, what is wrong with the world when children hate such wonderful stop action animation. Were did I go wrong?
• The fact that I nowhere near being down with Christmas shopping.
• The headache creeping up from my sinuses.
• Those children singing on the Thomas and the Secret Treasure DVD. Paging Satan: your span are on my last nerve.
• The old people who seem to roam my neighborhood aimlessly all day and who keep coming up to the door to tell me about my leak.
• My neighbors blow up Santa in a helicopter thing. Santa has a sleigh people, not a helicopter. URR!
• The season finale of Dexter! Not saying anymore in case you have not seen it, but I am pissed.

Update:

• The two jackhammers, excavator and dump truck which are apparently need to fix this water issues. MAN, this is some loud shit.

Bra Shopping Then and Now

Recently a friend sent me a card that went something like this:

Bra Shopping Then:

Does it lift and separate? Is it sexy? Do you have any in blue?

Bra Shopping Now:

Will it make 'em look sort of normal?

Of course as someone who has had a couple of kids and is approaching 40, this card certainly stuck me as funny and gave me a much needed chuckle. However, I recently had to actually purchase a bra and the message of this card hit me on the head, like a Swedish swung golf club.

I only had two bras prior to my shopping trip and I recently decided that perhapss a couple more would make like easier. So, off to the store I went with one kid in tow to purchase a bra.

First difference from then to now: Kid in Tow. I used to manage a lingerie department at Rich's department store (an Atlanta tradition in retail which was gobbled up whole by Macy's some time ago...curse you Macy's, you suck) and I HATED people who came into my department with kids in tow. Especially if those kids were in strollers and were tearing down every bra in sight. Of course, Deedle proceeds to grab every bra he could get his hands on. By the time I made it into the fitting room he looked like the floor of the Victoria Secret fashion show, all straps and bright colors. The Deedle apparently does not care of beige and white bras as he clearly preferred grabbing the multicolored selections that this season had to offer.

After dis-bra-ing my son, I proceeded to try on my selection of beige and white standard and basic bras. I immediately noticed some differences between NOW and THEN. Now, my bra choices are much larger than my pre-kid bras, they have more hooks and allow for adjectives such as: military, formidable, and sturdy. My THEN bras could be described by such adjectives as: delicate, sexy, colorful and maybe even hot. My NOW bras are lightly padded so as to allow for better nipple discretion and for toddler climbing up chest protection. My THEN bras were not padded at all, but demi in shape so as to enhance cleavage and provide for that come hither effect. My NOW bras are neutral in color so as to blend in properly under any shirt. My THEN bras were a rainbow of jewel tones, adorned with lace and what shirt?

I felt a bit sad as I re-hang all the bras my son had collected. They were red, blue, pink and purple. One had this beautiful antique white lace covering it rich aubergine satin. It was gorgeous. I lamented that I no longer had such pretty what-nots. You see this was one of my vices:Lingerie. It came for working in the lingerie world, I knew all about it and it was easy to get the latest styles and deals. I was never one to go all out on my hair make up or clothes. But unwrap the package and you were going to find a nice surprise. Now, I have no surprises. It is just the same down to the bone, BEIGE and BORING.

Word-ish Wednesday

Check this out. I saw this on Facebook and no doubt so did you, but just in case you do not book your face.

Call the Nestle Crunch Customer Hotline at 1-800-295-0051. Do not respond to the English or Spanish question. Just wait quietly and listen. You will enjoy your little chuckle. After listening, press 4 for more.

Enjoy!

The Tiger or The Lady

While I was out of town for the Thanksgiving holiday Tiger Woods got into a whole mess of trouble. I told him to be good, but he did not listen. Silly Tiger, you should always like to The Mom.

And, no I don't actually know Tiger Woods. But I was once on a first class flight from Maui to Oahu, which lasted approximately 10 seconds, and while boarding that flight I totally thought that Tiger Woods was sitting in the seat behind me. He wasn't, but I for a minute I thought it was him. So you see in a sense I DO know Tiger Woods, because I mistakenly almost shared a 10 second flight with him.

Anyway, Tiger Woods apparently has difficultly walking past an open vagina without falling into it. Now, this really does not have any effect on my life. I am after all not married to Tiger Woods and I always keep my vagina covered at all times so as not to allow for any vagina fall type incidents to occur. Seriously ladies not letting a celebrity fall into your vagina is easier than you think. It takes just a little planning and preparation and you too can insure that no one just "stumbles in". I usually achieve this goal by wearing panties and keep them firmly in place almost all the time. Of course one must occasionally pull down ones panties, lets say, for bathroom breaks, marital sex and those annual OB visits, but if you pull them back up real quick celebrity golfers almost never fall in.

As a result for Tiger's repeated open vagina falls, his wife appears to have decided to hunt down his ass with a 9 iron or a wedge or some such thing(The Mom knows little about golf clubs). In his haste to remove himself from the arch of a golf club Tiger ran into a couple of objects. I judge not, I run into objects with my car on a regular basis. So, the police get called. He goes to the hospital and then ALL the news outlet jump on this story like a cheap blond wanting a party invite to the White House. Now the mother in law is so sick of all this shit she went to the hospital this AM, which of course had the news outlets in a tizzy again.

What can we all learn from this tail of domestic woe? That Swedes can not swing a golf club for shit. Come one honey, you should have been able to get in at least two good swings before he made it to the door.

Baby It's Cold Outside

As y'all know I am not originally from California, but I don't really make a big out of it anymore because after living here for 8 years what used to be normal is now foreign. Now, I grew up in Georgia and as an adult I lived for a year in New Jersey. So while I have not seen North Dakota weather on anything other than a television; I have seen some colder weather then we get here in Northern California. So today when i looked outside my kitchen window I was little shocked to see this.

Growing up in Georgia we would see usually at least a couple of inches of snow per year mixed in the some freezing rain, sleet and plenty of 30 degree weather. And the one winter I spent in New Jersey included temps down in the teens and something like 5 inches of snow in one day Yes those you who live in Mass or North Dakota or Minn are laughing your frozen asses off, but to this Hot House flower that was one cold freakin winter. Anyway, I never expected to find snow on the ground in my back yard in CALIFORNIA. Some rain, yes. Fire season, yes. The ground moving, yes. Snow, NO.
This is either some function of El Nino or a sign that the end is near.

And from Livermore, CA

we have The Mom! (insert applause here).

I am doing this here contest/interview thing. I am not really sure what I win, but Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka is really cool and I love her blog. We have a lot in common, what with that Vodka desiring thing and having kids and all that stuff. I also have a residual headache today left over from last nights migraine. So, this seems easier than actually being somewhat clever.

Here is the link to her original posting in case you are interested in contesting for yourself. Also here is her cool, and very proper button. Which will also be proudly displayed on my sidebar because it made me laugh so hard I peed a little.


Okay, here is goes. I am not really good at reading instructions. So, I will probably totally fuck this up, but anyway, here it goes. I am gonna put Becky's questions in purple so that they stand out better.

1) Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream?
Yes, the rainbow kind.
2) If you had to choose one word to banish from the English language, what would it be and why?
synergy: It is a made up word which has been forced upon the working public in order to justify the existence of low level middle managers and to satisfy some work place political correctness quota. We could simply be saying: Why won't you fuck-nuts work together? When we are forced to say, this department needs more synergy.
3) If you were a flavor, what would it be?
Mocha Swiss Almond
4) What’s the most pointless annoying chore you can think of that you do on a daily/weekly basis?
What? Only one? Okay, dusting.5) Of all the nicknames I’ve ever had in my life, Aunt Becky is the most widely known and probably my favorite. What’s your favorite nickname? (for yourself)Mommy
6) You’re stuck on a desert island with the collective works of 5 (and only five) musical artists for the rest of your life. Who are they?1-The Beatles. 2-Radiohead. 3-The Charlatans UK. 4-Ludwig Van Beethoven. 5-The Collected works of Eric Clapton to include Traffic7) Everything is better with bacon. True or false?
False
8 ) If I could go back in time and tell Young Aunt Becky one thing, it would be that out of chaos, order will emerge. Also: tutus go with everything. What would you tell young self?
To calm down and just have more fun. I was way more uptight at 28 than I am at 38

Wordless Wednesday on a Thursday

I forgot that Wednesday was Wednesday until it became Thursday, so I think we will just stay in PJs and wait for it all to become Friday.

ADHD(ooohhh look something shiny!)

As I complete this blog post I am also doing some Facebook farming, composing an email, folding laundry, and cleaning house. My mind is a whirl with whats needs to be done, what is being done and what should be getting done. In fact, I just hit publish instead of save. So for a few moments while I made sure my fish in Fishville were still dead, this post existed in a mere two sentence form on the interweb. I have since deleted it and started again. By the time I am done you will have wished that I had left it at two sentences.

Over the holiday weekend I had an opportunity to mingle with many different moms with whom I did not normally socialize. Beside being moms they all had something in common that stuck me as odd. Both they and their children were on medication for ADHD. Seriously, mother and child alike were popping the latest Ritalin replacement drugs before my very eyes and then returning the 800 tasks before them. The discussed the weight loss associated with these drugs and while they assured each other this was not why they took they drug, they worried about their children's weight loss. They discussed the special diets that should help with this condition. One says, you have to eliminate all gluten as she eats a munches on a cracker and looks up the gluten free website on her blackberry. Another says you need to eliminate all sugar as she reaches for her margarita, yells for her child to come and get her Nintendo DS and berates her husband for watching too much sports on TV.

And there I stood with my unmediated self and with no diet to claims as a cure having a Gorilla's in the Mist moment, when it hit me! Maybe we are not all suffering from ADHD maybe we all just have too much shit to do! Or at the very least too much shit to entertain us. Maybe just maybe, we need to admit that we can only really do one thing at a time. And that this is okay.

So, I am closing all the other windows on my computer for the moment and everything else will wait. While I do just this. Ahhh.....Nice.