The Pumpkin Inspectors

Advice for my Sons

Okay I have been thinking lately about my sons and the day to day life challenges they will face. I am not talking about the heavy horrible stuff in life. I am talking about minor heartbreak, minor illness, acne, athlete's foot, B.O., etc. I realise that these things are in inevitable. Furthermore, they make for a richer experience in life so they have to happen. Besides I know that they will never have to feel or need to be alone in life. They have me, my husband, three sets of grandparents (ah the modern family), 7 aunts and uncles, 3 cousins (so far) and of course each other. Still I will not always be here for them, so I do try and get things on paper or pixels which they can keep. Little pearls of wisdom and thought of love to get their life's more 'fun' moments.

Most recently these would be my posts about what I never want to happen to them and my post about our song. Now, I want to take a moment to get more specific. I want to give them some as of yet unsolicited advice regarding relationships.

• First allow me to apologise in advance for being mean to your girlfriends, fiancees, and/or wives. I am sorry that I called her a Ho-Dee-Do, a Slut Puppy, Trash, a Wanton Vixen, a Succubus, etc. I love you and I only wanted what was best for you. Just remember that no matter what I say or think about your special someones ultimately you have to live with your choices and all that really matters is what you think of that special person. So, remember it is okay to tell me to shut the hell up and back off. I am your mom and I will love you NOT MATTER WHAT. That Slut Puppy(err Special Person) you married might just walk out if you don't stick up for her when I speak poorly of or to her. So do what you gotta do. I love you and I understand. See you have it in writing. Print it out and keep it. I will HAVE to stick to it or I will have to eat my words.
• Look not for the best looking person, but for the best person. Looks fade and generally cause trouble. But goodness lasts forever! Find someone who can be your friend first, and your lover second. That being sad, you are not allowed to have sex ever.....what? I am still your mother. Remember Helen of Troy had a face that launch a 1000 ships, but it was her "plain Jane" sister Penelope who was wiling and able to wait and keep a house afloat while wait for cleaver Ulysses to come home. Look for the Penelope's in life and leave the Helen's to their own devices.
• Stop and listen. Yes, women use a lot a words. That is how we are built. The ancient cave women who could stay in vocal range while gathering food lived while the ones who wondered off got eaten. So out chattiness is ingrained. Just shut up and listen.
• When a woman is crying hug her! Unless you are dumping her, then don't hug her. It will just give her the wrong idea.
• Respect yourself and others. Respect means that you do not objectify woman or treat them like pieces of meat. Guys, when you do this you cheapen yourself, too.
• When packing for a trip, let her put stuff in your suitcase without making a big deal out it. We all know that a man can pack for a week with two pairs of underwear and a t-shirt. So let put her make up bag in there.
• Clean up after yourself! I will teach you how to clean a toilet, load a dishwasher, do your laundry and change out the toilet paper roll before you leave my house. But don't expect a woman to start doing these things for you the minute you begin to cohabitate.
• Cohabitate before you are married. Seriously, you have no idea what someone is like until you live with them. That being said, I am your mother and I as your mother I would suggest you do this only with someone you really think you want to marry. So, at least be engaged.
• And if you do break up and want her back or you have a fight and you want to keep her. Remember the advice in the following song. By the way this is only piece of relationship advice you should ever take from Eric Clapton. For the most part just do the oppisite of what Eric Clapton would do, but this song rings true. Because she will want you to beg to take back and if you love her, you should.

Top Ten Reason Why My Left Foot Hurts

10. My ass is too large for my feet.

9. It heard about that movie, My Left Foot and it wants some attention.

8. My husband will not let me cut it off.

7. I cannot take Aleve (the only thing that took away the pain) because I like breathing.

6. My shoes are really ugly.

5. I went to two big hardware stores this morning looking for masonry screws.

4. I realised that I had seen them at the first store while in the second store. That big box store with headquarters in Atlanta wins high marks for customer service today and I should have gone their first.

3. I hung, and re-hung iron candle holder thing on fireplace. No matter what I cannot get it freakin' straight, but I still love it. May I suggest that when you enter my kitchen you stand with one the toes of your right only while looking at said fireplace.

2. My mother married into a family full of high arched freaks. Seriously we all have these freakish high arched feet and our toes freckle like no bodies business.

1. The vicodin has not kicked in yet. Wait, there it goes.......ahhhhh.

Transparent

Lately I have become acutely aware of the transparency of internet. Nothing is secret and nothing is sacred anymore in this total accessible digital world. Just as an off the wall, probably not true example, those photos taken of you by a group of Japanese tourist while you made out on a beach ala From Here to Eternity with guy named Brett, or was it Brent, are now no doubt on the internet for the whole world to see. Your dirty laundry is exposed to all. That night you spent with friends celebrating your birthday has no doubt become the fodder of a blog post somewhere. You know the one where you got too loud after drinking too many Mai Tais (or maybe you don't remember). Nothing is personal anymore. The woman at the next table might be blogging about you as you are cutting into your steak or ordering your Starbucks. Damnable Wi-Fi, you can't even place a order for your Non-Fat, No-Whip, Half-Caf, Vanilla, Hazelnut, Latte in privacy anymore!

Those things that you thought were fun and innocent now seem rotten and foul when seen through another persons words. And once something is out there, you can never take it back. A few months back I wrote a blog post that was a fake letter to the DMV which was about how old I thought I looked on my new driver's license. At the end of that fake letter it seemed natural to sign my real name, so I did. My husband was not exactly pleased with this. He fears his family might find my blog and then they would know exactly how crazy his wife is, after years of assuring them I only go crazy from Thanksgiving to New Years Day. To calm his concern, I went back and changed the ending of the letter by signing it simply, TheMom. But that does not matter, it is still out there. When you search my name you will still find it, sure it is on like the third page of the search, but it is still there. Not that is matters, since those who read the post will soon move on to thousands of different posts on thousands of different blogs in no time at all. It is all so transitory yet permanent at the same time.

Of course, I am no fool(shut up). I knew that people would read my blog. I do not expect anything said here to be personal or private. To claim that any of us do this purely for ourselves is complete and utter bullshit. If we did it for ourselves it would all be written down in notebooks and shoved under our beds. We have something to say and we want others to see it. Me personally, I am stay at home mom who has lost most of herself in being a wife and mother. With this blog I hope to gain back that sense of self and if I can make you laugh in the process that is great. I am proud when people tell me that my blog makes them laugh and I refuse to be ashamed of that no matter what anyone else might say or do about it. Go ahead, call me an attention whore, a comment whore, a blogging whore. I don't care! After all I made out with random guy whose name I do not remember on the beach, while so drunk I did not notice the Japanese tourists taking my picture until my friends told me about it the next day, and then some 15 years later I fucking blogged about. I have no shame!

Halloween Costume or What I have been doing all week.

This is the K Man dressed in his Palm Tree costume. On Go-Day he will also have on a brown long sleeve shirt and his head dress will also include some coconuts(brown balloons). He will also be accompanied by a monkey (ie Deedle).

Oh and don't you love my 1979 tile! It is so pretty I encourage the cat to barf on it.

Time, Time, Time

Seriously, where does time go? Why is it that when I was kid that Summer lasted forever and it seemed like Christmas would never come? But now, I swear is was August yesterday and tomorrow it will be Halloween and then Christmas the next day. Is it something in the adult mind that alters time or is it just that we doing too much so time goes by so quickly?

Having children does not help this lightening fast passage of time? I swear it was yesterday that I brought my oldest home from the hospital. He was this teeny tiny skinny little thing and now he is begging to Christmas to be tomorrow. Literally begging for cookies, Santa, homemade hot cocoa and Christmas tree shopping. He is flummoxed that he has to wait and it seems to him as if it will be so long from now. But you and I know this is not the case. It is just barely two months away. It will be here in a heartbeat, a blink, a glimmer of a thought. That is what the passage of time if like for an adult.

I wish I could take a just a second to see the world like my children do. I wish summers lasted forever. I wish the anticipation of Christmas were more than a do to list. I want to take my sons by the hands and tell them to enjoy that long wait. Because one day they will look from my old face to the face of their first born child and wonder, What happened?

A Very Happy Sweetest Day

Today is Sweetest Day. This holiday is widely celebrated in the Great Lakes Region where apperntly St. Valentine's Day does not sell enough candy. In honor of Sweetest Day, I am going to shower you with compliments and love.

• WOW! Those pants make you look totally skinny.
• You are sooooo good looking!
• Your pets, friends and family respect you with reservation.
• Your mom just called and she wishes she had 12 more kids just like you!
• You are the greatest lover, friend, and family member in recorded history.
• You are so fabulous that you made Iran want to stop it nuclear weapons program. In your honor, they are turning all their Uranium enrichment plants in cotton candy factories.
• Based on how very amazing you are, Baraka Obama is going to give you his Nobel Peace Prize. Please note that he is keeping the prize money....he needs it to fund social security.
• I have now friended you on Facebook, MySpace and Twitter, TWICE!
• You are so powerful and wonderful that Chuck Norris is afraid of you.
• Have you gotten younger?
• Have you lost weight?
• Is that your sister? Oh, it is your daughter. No way you could have children! No way!
• Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? You know, cuz you are an angel and all.
• Brad Pitt wants to wash your car, vacuum your floor and mow your lawn (for the ladies)
• Heidi Klum wants to have your baby, take your name and wash your stinky socks (for the guys)
• Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, Hanukkah Harry, The Great Pumpkin, The Tooth Fairy and Laetitia Costa are real! And they totally believe in YOU and are going to give you some very extra special gifts on Sweetest Day!

Top Ten Time Wasters

Here are my top ten time wasters. Let's say your toddler just dumped a bowl full of rice on the floor and you do not want to clean it (purely theory of course...my perfect little angel would never do such a thing).

10. Sort through your family's socks. Please note there are no pairs of sock in our home, just socks that kind of look a alike.

9. Try to figure out were that smell is coming from your neighbors yard. Tip, it is the skunk and your neighbor is either growing some very good weed or they have a very smelly cat back there.


8. Put more Red Bull in the frig. After all staying up till 3am from the Red Bull you drank last night at 8pm is not good enough. You want to do it again!

7. Wonder why your kids is the only kid on the soccer team not smiling in his soccer photos. Then wonder why your husband told you that said child did smile in his soccer photos.

6. Watch Top Chef: Las Vegas.

5. Watch the Wendy Williams Show.

4. Call mother to discuss Wendy Williams Show

3. Listen while mother calls Wendy Williams Cindy Williams and wonder if maybe she was watching Laverne and Shirley.

2. Twitter, Facebook or MySpace about your child dropping bowl of rice

and

the

number

one

way

to

avoid

cleaning

up

a

possibly

fictional

rice

spill

1. Blog about it!!!!!!

And An Unhappy National Grouch Day to you All

You can all go suck it! I am allowed to say that because today is National Grouch Day. For you viewing/reading/entertaining displeasure I am going to be very grouchy and mean to you today.

• Yes, those pants make you look fat
• I just kicked Winnie the Pooh and I told him that you paid me to do it.
• Your car smells like spaghetti (okay that is my car, but still it is a very grouchy thing)
• May your cat throw up in your favorite pair of shoes
• May you fart at the most inopportune to moments
• You cannot have sex with a Vampire. Sorry, but a man with no natural blood source would not be able to 'get it up'.
• This one if for the boys: No it does not happen to everyone. It is just you. Well, except for those vampires.
• There is no Great Pumpkin, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Hanukkah Harry, Easter Bunny, or Laetitia Costa (that one is for my husband).
• Keep wishing, but that Secret Book is not going to help. You are now broker by $25 and you have proved you are stupid
• That's one snuggly baby!
• Your pets mock you behind you back.
• You drive like an old woman and you smell like one, too.
• Your mother said that she does not like you anymore and that she wants me to be her child.
• One day you are in and the next day you are out.
• Those rose I just gave you, came from my pissed on rose garden.
• Charlie Brown thinks you are a major loser.
• David Letterman sends his regards but would not take your resume with Paul Shaffer's penis.
• If your brownie tastes like dirt, that is because I put dirt in your brownie.
• I just unfriended you on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, and LinkedIn.

Wordless Wednesday

This kid is going to be a laugh riot in college.

Word Play, Part 3 or Word Play After Dark

Bear with me, I am totally stuck on this idea. I have become obsessed with words and how they sound lately. Here is my latest versions of Word Play. This list consists of words that sound diry. And of course being your typical puritanical American, by dirty I mean having to do with sex or the human body.

So just sit back and relax. No wait, not too far back. You might not be able to see the computer screen if you lean back too far.

Here are some words that sound dirty, but are not.

pendulum: He got his pendulum caught in his zipper! Right? It sounds like it part of the penis, right?

uvula: Hi, I was wondering what the cost would be to have my uvula pierced?

vernacular: Ouch! Have you seen a doctor for your bad case of vernacular?

septum: This sounds like a medical device.

lariat: I was going to say that this sounds like an odd and difficult sexual position, but this probably is the name for an odd and difficult sexual position.

positron: This is no doubt one of those machines like in Barbarella.

forum: Anybody up for a forum?

serum: No? How about a serum?

frenular: Okay, penis parts again. And under the heading of things you learn while blogging. I knew that this was that piece of skin under the tongue, but I did not know that it was a also a butterfly part.

meniscus: Not something you want to tear...not really you don't. But it also sounds like a dirty word, too.

Hey you!

Dear Jerk Store Bestseller,

You just called me from my son's soccer league to inform me that the publicity information I provided for last Saturday's game was incomplete. I failed to include the last names of the children on the other team. I explained that the other team did not have a publicity parent and that the assistant coach told me that it would be okay to just use the first names because they did not have a roster to send to me. 'Oh really', you said, 'why didn't you try harder to get their last names?' I paused in an effort to extract myself from my clingy toddler and in an attempt to wrap my mind around what is quickly becoming the most bizarre conversation of the day (keep in mind I talk with children all day so I have some pretty bizarre conversations).

'Well, I did try. They did not have a publicity parent and assistant coach said this would be alright. What else should I have done?' With great exasperation you cleared your throat and say, 'Amy, you should have given your roster to the other teams coach and had them send it in.' Okay, I have to admit that the use of my first name here really pissed me off, because I am kind of old fashioned and I prefer being called Mrs. TheMom (insert real last name here )by strange men. But I will cut you some slack as only people from Eastern Europe or Cleveland, OH can pronounce my last name easily.

'The coach was busy, besides we were the home team and it was our responsibility', I reply. 'That is too bad because I cannot submit this incomplete information and now those boys names are not going to be in the paper!' you reply with great indignation. Now, I am pissed. 'This is the third team that we had played another team with no publicity parent and where the coaches were fine with there being no last names used for their players. This has never been a problem before, our stats have made the newspaper twice prior with no last names. The first time both teams had not last names and the second time only our opponent had not last names, again with the permission on the opposing team.'

Our conversation ended there, but I assure you that I have more to say on this topic. Myself and other parents in this league who work with the teams are volunteers. I assure you that we do our best. In addition to me being the publicity parent for our team, my husband is also the coach for our team and I promise you we take out commitment to our son's team and this league very seriously as do the other volunteer parents on our team. We work very hard to ensure that these children have a fun team and are learning something about teamwork. May I also add that in the time you took to berate me on my less than stellar last name gathering abilities you could have contacted the league coordinator for the under 5 boys teams and gotten the last name our of opposing team from her. Just saying, sounds like you suck.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Fucking Pissed Off

Money Saving Tips-Depression Era Style!

In these tough economic times I thought it would be a good idea to share some of the money saving tips that I learned from my depressions era parent. Admittedly these tips will not necessarily help you in todays crazy ecomic times, but they might help you avoid trouble moving forward.

• Don't spend more than you make. You know your take home pay...don't exceed it.
• Put money into a savings account and leave it there. It will gain this thing called interest. Take it out only when you absolutely need it.
• Pay cash! Do not put something on a credit card that you do not currently have the money in the bank to pay for. If you cannot afford it today, you probably cannot afford it in 30 days.
• If you are broke...CUT BACK. Now it is not the time to indulge. You may feel bad and you want the pick me up that spending money gives you, but in the end you will feel more miserable than you did before.
• Only go out on special occasions. Cook, can and store. Stock up when possible and save.
• Remember, the piper will come calling. No matter how much you want to ignore him, he will come. So, do not assume that things will always go your way. Interest rates will change, bubbles will burst and markets will fluctuate.
• No matter what, have hope. Through the darkest times people have lived and survived. If humanity can survive the Bubonic Plague than we can probably survive a bip in the housing market.
• The JuiceBox on my sidebar is full of money this week. Mint.com (an awesome and free way to manage AND SAVE your money online) is the sponsor. Saving money is obviously near and dear to our hearts here on this blog, and I'm excited to see that JuiceBoxJungle has added an ecard which you can send right from the widget to tell a friend how and where you saved money online. Please feel free to pick your favorite deal on this page right now and email it to a friend! You'll help them and help me gain new readers!"
  

Word Play, Part 2

I already listed by least favorite words, so now I am going to list my most favorite words. Now, these words are not necessarily my favorite because of what they mean, but primarily because of how they sound.

mommy: cheesy, right. But I love when my kids call me mommy. Unless they are whining or yelling at me, then not so much but most of the time I love it.

fontanel: For those not in the know (no two or three non-mom fans and my big ass minions) this is the spot on a new born babies head where the skull bones have not fused together. It is I believe the source of their yummy baby smell. Besides it sweetness to parents, it is just a beautiful word. Say it with me....Fontanelle....it sounds so pretty.

cake: again a great sounding word with a great meaning, too. Cake is of course yummy, but just say the word, CAKE. It just sound great rolling off the tongue. Cake....

eclipse: an rare astronimical event, a car, or a teen vampire love book. I don't care which it is a beautiful word.

aubergine: the color purple or more specifically an eggplant. I hate eggplant, but I love this word.

vegetable: a simple word that I do not often like to deal with, as in I hate telling little people to eat their vegetables! But I really love the way the word sounds.

The Attack of the Soccer Mom! The Novel ( well the paragraph maybe)

The following is complete fiction. It is about no one. I am the only real character in this story. The rest are gross stereotypes which I am bending to my will. So PLEASE do not call me or email to find out who I am talking about. I am talking about no one.

Wait, what is the noise? Do you hear it? I sounds like the approach of locust, you know like in the Bible. Shh, listen. There is goes again. What is that noise? You look around, and there it is. You see it. AHHHhhhhHHHHHHhhhhHHHHhhhhHHHH! It is The Soccer Mom!

Oh for the love of all that is holy, why does she wear her pants up past her waist? Why God Why? Is that a Young Soccer League sticker on her mini-van next to her My Child is an Honor Student sticker? Doesn't she know those hurt your paint job. Oh the humanity! What has she done her poor child? Oh dear, now I see she was swaddled him from head to toe in organic, antibacterial, sun protective materials. OhHHHhhhhHHH! The horror. The horror.

Oh crap she is coming right for you. Every fiber of your being screams: Hide, Hide, Quick, Hide, Get down behind the stroller before she sees you. Surely she would not harm and innocent child! UGH, too late. She has seen you! You must now face The Soccer Mom and take it like a man. You are to be judged harshly. You will be questioned thoroughly. You will know that you most assured The Inferior Mom!

"Hello." She says joylessly with a small twitch to the left cheek. It might have been an attempt at a smile. It might have a wince of contempt at your un-hated, un-covered toddler. It might have a mental illness....not sure.

"Oh Hey! How is it going?" What? I am from the South. We say Hey and Y'all and we try our best to be nice to everyone.

"Who is bringing snacks this Saturday?" She replies with no attempt at pleasantness.

"Ah, I am not sure. Why do you ask?" Crap I should have stopped at not sure, but like with a train wreck and the Wendy Williams show I just cannot help myself. I have to watch it Happen!

" Well last time the snacks were not fully organic. They contained HFCS, and FTA." She says throw clinched teeth. Her arms are crossed as she looms over you and your helpless child.

Should I ask? I have to ask. I have no choice. With great hesitation I ask, "What are those?"

She somehow manages to lift and wrinkle her brow at the same time (seriously the Rock would be jealous). She shrugs her shoulders and dismissively huffs before answering slowly and with emphasis."Those are, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP and TRANS FATTY ACIDS."

I suddenly wish I was that guy from No Country for Old Men. I feel a great need to call her friendo and drive a nail or whatever into her bovine-like head(okay so I was not really paying attention to that part of the movie).

"It is very important that our children not be exposed to harmful chemicals." She says while I daydream about murder and actors who are normally hot not looking so hot.

" Well, I don't know who is doing snacks. Sorry" I say as I return my attention to soccer practice.

" We really should make an effort to ensure that the snacks are healthy an..." She stops suddenly her attention now focused on her child who is playing with my child. "Nathan, Stop That! Give him his toy back!" She snatched the toy car out of Nathans chubby little hand and looks at it with horror in her be speckled eyes.

"It is okay, Deedle can share. I brought plenty of toys." I say, relieved the conversation has moved on beyond healthy snacks.

"No, Nathan. We do not want to share HIS germs." She hands the car to me, her eyes glazed over with fury.

Wow, I really pissed her off by not understanding her abbreviations. Not wanting to continue this conversation/relationship, I go back to watching the practice.

She plops down next to me and begins to no doubt engage her child in interactive word play. Soon other begin to arrive, our time is nothing is not late. Much to my glee The Soccer Mom has moved on to another target. She begins with her snack question, and goes from there. Yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah, HFCS, FTA, PTA, NRA, and whatever the hell else. She complains about the kids at her son's school. She complains about the parents at her son's school paying so that they do not have to volunteer. On and on and on she goes.

All the while her son is setting alone and eating grass. Should I say something? I mean it is organic, right. Grass, it is organic. But it does make cats vomit so people should probably not eat it, right.

I heave a mighty internal sigh and say, " Hey, Natalie. Umm, Natalie." She is so deep in a conversation concerning the ills of TV viewing that she does not hear me. I try another tact.

"Hey Rachel. Can you get Natalie's attention for me?" Rachel who now sitting between us gladly complies.

The Soccer Mom, slowly turns my way, obviously annoyed that her salon has been disturbed and says, simply, "What?"

"Nathan is eating grass. And did you know his shoes were on the wrong feet?"

"Nathan! Stop, you don't know where that grass as been". She shrieks pulling him away from were he has been happily sitting and eating being unable to walk because of the shoe thing.

"It has probably just been in the ground." What? Why the fuck did I say that? Seriously, why?

"What?" She snaps. "What are you talking about?"

" The grass. It has just been in the ground. You said you did not know where it had been. I has just been in the ground."

She does not reply. She simply oozes back down to the ground with minions. I return my attention back to the practice, but I know this is not over. I know that my keen grass observation has only slowed down, The Soccer Mom. It has not stopped her. Not by a long shot. She is just licking her wounds and she will be back. Stronger and bitchier than ever.

Word Play

Today on Yahoo (what? it is a modern headline. right?), there was a story about the most annoying word. Well, not so much a story as a the results of a survey of the most annoying word. In case you missed it, according to this story, whatever is the most annoying word.

The article was pretty vague as to the contenders for most annoying word mentioning only, 'you know', 'anyway', 'it is what it is' and 'at the end of the day'...Wait, do you see a problem here? Those are phrases, not words. Sure phrases are made up of words, but this survey was to crown the most annoying word, not the most annoying phrase. Maybe whatever only won because it was one of only two actual stand alone words in the survey.

So, I call shenanigans on this poll! I vote for a recall. While we wait for the hanging chads to be verified and whatnot, I would like to suggest some annoying words of my own. Not phrases, just words.

• Synergy: I worked in HR for many years where I was forced to listen to and say this word and I find it very annoying. Additionally, I have no fucking idea what it means.
• Interface: What? Do you mean talk or communicate? If so, than say that.
• Pendulum: It just sound dirty and I feel like a need a shower every time I hear it.
• Bro or Brah: As in the slang for brother. I freaking hate this! Shit, just say brother. It is not as if you are being asked to say, Australopithecus brotherus every time talk to or introduce your brother.
• Frenemy: What? Do we really need this word? Can't we all just get alone or at the very least if we can not get along can we all just move along?
• Enema: Isn't that the same thing as a frenemy?
• Green: Okay, so maybe the color green is okay and a green crayon is okay. Basically as a color I am fine with green. But man, I am sick and tired of Green everything else. Green burning fuel, Green cars (and no I am not talking about my light green VW, although it does get excellent gas mileage), Green flooring, Green toothpaste, Green toilet bowl cleaners (which lead to a rather dingy looking toilet BTW...because you need bleach to kill poop germs people).
• Bleach: Sounds like a noise you make while throwing up.
• Vlog: Meaning video blog, but it sure sounds like a Romanian count who beheades Turks and impales them on stakes.

Tips from The Mom

Tip#1: Do not leave believe your child when he/she begs for Alphabet Pasta. Chances are they thought that something animated and fantabulous would happen with the pasta once it was the in bowl. Feeling let down they will leave the pasta unattended while you go to change your toddler's fifth stinky poop of the day. The cat will literally pounce on the chance to eat unclaimed pasta. Cat's know little about animation or fantabulousness so they will wolf (err tiger) down the pasta. Little known fact to non cat owners is that a cat can throw up twice its weight.

Tips#2: It may seem like a good idea to give a toddler dried blueberries and raisins in the same meal, but it is in fact a very, very bad idea. It leads to several very stink poops the following day.

Tip#3: If you are constipated try a combination of dried blueberries and raisins. Just be sure to stay close to home the next day.

Tip#4: Cat vomit is very slippery when deposited on a laminate wood floor.

Tip#5: An entire roll of toilet paper will in fact back up a toilet and cause it to overflow.

Tip#6: The screams of a 4 year old freaked out by an overflowing toilet can be heard for miles (well at least yards).

Tip#7: A 4 year old will eat 200 tiny sips of Taco Soup in order to get a cupcake for dessert.

Bullies

No one likes a bully. This is a fact. They call you names, take your lunch money and basically make you feel like crap. Actually, until recently I did not know this to be a fact. I was never really bullied as child. Not because I was popular or gorgeous or fast it was mostly because I managed to stay just under the radar throughout my school life. As an adult, I have always had enough of a backbone to stand up for myself and that is all one generally needs to defeat a bully. Or at least that is what I always thought. Recently I have discovered that you sometimes just have to lie down and take it.

You see I belong to a mothers group in my locale area; in fact I am on the board…. actually I one of the directors. Trust me, not as glamorous as is sounds. Additionally I assure you that this group is not your stereotypical mother’s group. We are a well-rounded bunch, who despite the occasional cat fight (sorry boys I mean this metaphorically) we get along pretty well and our board works very hard to keep things running and people happy. I have honestly enjoyed every minute I have been with these women. They have kept me fed in bad times and made me laugh in sad times and made my head spin on more than one occasion. I have made some friends for life and I look forward to watching our children grow up together.

As one of the directors of this group I recently received a letter from an international mother’s group threatening to sue is if we did not change our name. They have trademarked the words THE and AND. I kid! I kid! Those are not the words they trademarked, but they might as well be. Our club name contains both the words they trademarked and we were unknowingly breaking the law. So, we have been forced to change the name of our club. This has been an expensive process both financially and emotionally. We are a club of roughly 200 people and with these tough economic times we can ill to wage a legal battle against anyone. So, while we had the desire and will to fight, we found that we could not.

This international group claims to be mothers helping mothers, but nothing could be further from the truth. We are the second club in our area to go through this turmoil because for these trademarked words. I can only imagine that this bully group trolls the internet in search of those key trademarked words and I imagine that sometimes they probably make a buck or two off their endeavors. But at what cost, because they are most assuredly not doing much to help me or the other mothers in my club. While they may have securely trademarked their name, they have managed to tarnish it and their helpful motto forever. They should feel deep shame for their actions.

Mommy Brain-Rain-Stain-Plain........What? Where am I?

Okay, so their is a term for what we have ladies. It is called momnesia. It is the loss of memory brought on by the onslaught of estrogen(or some other hormone...I get them confused). You all know what I mean. I cannot retain the simplest bit of information for more than 3 seconds at even given time. I make lists, but then I loose the list. I try to make list in my iPhone, but sometimes I cannot find that.

Should I trust this whole scientific angle that this is caused by some hormone? how to you explain that I am more than 18 months post partum and still in a fog? Me thinks science has failed us again gals. I mean why spend all that time and energy giving old men hard ons when they should be curing fatness. I would love a pill to melt my fat away, but i would care less that my 60 yr neighbor can get hard-on...dare I say his wife might agree with me. And if the pharm-o types insist on creating hard on drugs could they at least stop bagging about it during sporting events. Seriously what is up with those creepy bathtubs.

I am beginning to wonder if the modern mom is just trying to do to much and we have all blown a fuse somewhere along the line. For example this morning, I have done the following all at the same time:

• Written two blogs posts, one on this topic, and one of do it yourself blog design tips.
• Texted the person formerly known as Pissed and Pregnant. She is by the way officially no longer Pregnant. I beat y'all thought I made her up. And seeing as how she was pregnant for 9 1/2 months I can see why you thought that. She needs a new name by the way as she is no longer Pregnant and is generally not that pissed.
• I have sorted through the K-Man's old clothes to see what will fit Deedle this winter. I packed up Deedle's old clothes.
• Realised that I left my iPhone on the desk when I went to sort through the K-Man clothes..When I saw Deedle carrying my iPhone in his chubby sticky little hand.
• Pried the iPhone from Deedle's hand. Went to the kitchen to get him some milk to console him over not being able to carry the iPhone anymore.
• I washed dished
• Picked up toys
• Sorted laundry
• Started the laundry
• Looked for the missing hammer

I did this all while trying to write this post and I doubt i did any of them very well. I know that my mom as a SAHM had to do all that I do and she did it seemingly without being in a constant state of confusion. Now maybe she was able to do this because she did not have a computer and an iPhone or was she able to do all this because she had easy access to Valium. I am not sure. I would call her and ask, but I cannot find the phone.

If I had a hammer

3: the number to times that someone has pointed out that the name Catherine has more letters than my son's name.

12: the number of times I felt stabby this week

4: the number ot times I cried this week.

1052: the number of times I considered drilling a hole in my head to make the headache which I have had since 1am on Thursday morning go away.

2000: the pounds of coffee I have consumed in the past week.

7: the number of stores I have visited in the past week seeking to obtain 5 plain black aprons for under $5(cuz I know I could find at least 5 at William Sonoma, but those cost just a smidgen more than $5).

8: number of old ladies who gave me the stink eye for bringing a well behaved toddler into a Jo Ann's fabric store.

0: number of old ladies who gave the woman with the yapping dog in the Jo Ann's fabric store the stink eye

1: number of 30-something aged moms' of well behaved toddlers who gave the woman the yapping dog in the Jo Ann's fabric the stink eye.

0: number of Jo Ann's employees willing to give advice on how to make a palm tree costume without thread and needle.

4: number of Jo Ann's employees who smugly pronounced that since they know how to sew they do not need to EVER use Stitchwitch to make anything.

3: number of Jo Ann's employees that I wanted to smack up side the head WITH a yapping dog. Please note that one Jo Ann's employee was severely crossed eyed and therefore I could not sure that she was actually talking to me.

1: number of Thomas plastic circus trains I purchased for afore mentioned well behaved toddler because he has been a good sport on my recent apron hunts.

0: number of times that afore mentioned and previously well behaved toddler has stopped whining about afore mentioned Thomas plastic circus train since its purchase at approximately 11:45am today.

8 million: number times I have wanted to dispatch afore mentioned Thomas plastic circus train to toy hell with hammer.

0: number of hammers which I have been able to locate in my previously well stocked tool box.

4: ounces of dark rum that I wish to mix with diet coke and consume this evening after my children are snug in bed.

20: number of times I have said FUCK after I realised that I cannot consume any ounces of dark rum this evening because of 8am soccer game tomorrow morning.

2: number of times I have contemplated sabotaging the soccer field this pm.

1: number of possible accomplices to last thought...you know who you are.....

1: number of times I have sang the Beastie Boys song, Sabotage since starting this post.